Alright, let’s talk about this… uh… “Gottman’s Four Horsemen,” whatever that means. Sounds fancy, but it’s just about how folks fight, you know? Like, me and my old man, we had our share of squabbles. Didn’t need no fancy names for it, but I guess these smart folks gotta call it somethin’.
So, first thing they talk about is criticism. Now, that’s just plain old naggin’, ain’t it? Like when your man leaves his socks on the floor, and you go on and on about how he’s lazy and never helps around the house. It ain’t just about the socks no more, it’s about him bein’ a bad person, see? That ain’t gonna get you nowhere.
- Don’t be sayin’ “you always” and “you never”. That just makes folks mad.
- Stick to the problem, like, “Honey, could you please pick up your socks?” Simple as that.
Then there’s defensiveness. That’s when you start makin’ excuses and blamin’ the other person. Like, if your man complains about the socks, you say, “Well, you never do the dishes!” See? You ain’t fixin’ nothin’, just throwin’ it back at him. It’s like a ping-pong match, back and forth, nobody winnin’.
And then, oh boy, then comes the nasty one: contempt. That’s when you start lookin’ down on your man, sneerin’ at him, callin’ him names. Like, you roll your eyes and say, “You’re such an idiot, leavin’ your socks around.” That’s poison, I tell ya. It eats away at love faster than a moth in a wool blanket.
Contempt is like treatin’ your man like dirt. You make fun of him, you call him names, you just plain disrespect him. It’s like you think you’re better than him. And let me tell you, nobody likes to be treated like they ain’t worth nothin’.
Finally, there’s stonewalling. That’s when you just shut down. Your man’s talkin’, but you ain’t listenin’. You might as well be a brick wall. You cross your arms, you look away, you give him the silent treatment. That’s just as bad as yellin’, maybe worse. ‘Cause at least when you’re yellin’, you’re still engaged, you know? Stonewalling is like givin’ up.
Now, these smart folks, the Gottmans, they say if you got these “four horsemen” gallopin’ around in your relationship, you’re in trouble. But they also say you can learn to fight fair. You can learn to talk to each other without tearin’ each other down. And that’s important, ain’t it? ‘Cause relationships, they ain’t easy. They take work. But they’re worth it, if you can learn to ride out the storms.
So, next time you and your man get into it, remember these four horsemen. Try to keep ’em locked up in the barn, you hear? Try to talk to each other with respect. Try to listen. Try to understand. It ain’t always easy, but it’s the only way to make things work.
And you know what? Sometimes, it’s okay to just walk away for a bit. Cool off, take a breath, and come back when you’re ready to talk like civilized folks. No point in sayin’ things you’ll regret later. Words are like arrows, once you let ’em fly, you can’t take ’em back. So, watch your mouth, and try to be kind. That’s what I always say.
One other thing I heard these Gottman folks sayin’ is how important it is to start things off right, somethin’ about a “soft start-up”. Makes sense, don’t it? If you start a conversation like a bull in a china shop, it’s probably gonna end up a mess. Gotta be gentle, you know? Like easing into a warm bath, not jumpin’ into a cold lake.
And lastly they say, these four things, they can tell ya if a relationship is gonna last. So, pay attention to how you and your man are talkin’ to each other. It might just save you a whole lotta heartache down the road. Now, I ain’t no expert, but I’ve been around long enough to know a thing or two about love and fightin’. And believe me, fightin’ fair is a whole lot better than fightin’ dirty.
Tags: [Gottman’s Four Horsemen, Relationship Advice, Communication, Marriage, Conflict Resolution, Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Healthy Relationships]
