Well, let me tell you somethin’ about relationships. It ain’t all sunshine and roses, that’s for sure. This fella, Doc Gottman, he’s a smart cookie, figured out why some folks just can’t seem to make it work. He calls it the “Four Horsemen,” sounds scary, right? Like somethin’ out of the Bible.
First off, there’s this thing called Criticism. Now, nobody’s perfect, we all mess up. But constant griping and complaining? That’s a whole different story. It’s like pick, pick, pickin’ all the time. “You never do this,” “You always do that.” It wears a person down, you know? Makes you feel like you ain’t good enough. Doc Gottman, he says you gotta be gentle, like. Say how you feel without makin’ it sound like the other person’s a total screw-up. Use “I” words, he says. Like, “I feel sad when this happens,” instead of “You always make me sad.” See the difference?
- Criticism: Pick, pick, pickin’ all the time.
- Contempt: Bein’ downright mean and disrespectful.
- Defensiveness: Never admittin’ you’re wrong.
- Stonewalling: Clammin’ up and shuttin’ the other person out.
Then there’s Contempt. This one’s the worst, the Doc says. It’s when you start lookin’ down on your partner, treatin’ them like dirt. Rollin’ your eyes, sneerin’, makin’ fun of them. It’s like poison, eatin’ away at everything good. I seen couples like that, always at each other’s throats, full of nasty words and bad looks. Ain’t no love there, just bitterness and resentment.
Next up is Defensiveness. This is when you can’t never admit you’re wrong. Always gotta have an excuse, always gotta blame the other person. “It wasn’t me, it was you!” You know the type. They can’t take responsibility for nothin’. It just makes things worse, ’cause nobody’s listenin’, everybody’s just tryin’ to protect themselves.
And the last one, Stonewalling. This is when one person just shuts down completely. Clams up, refuses to talk, walks away. It’s like buildin’ a wall between you and your partner. You can’t fix nothin’ if you ain’t talkin’. It’s like they just disappear, even when they’re standin’ right in front of you. Leavin’ you hangin’ there, feelin’ lost and alone.
Now, Doc Gottman, he ain’t just tellin’ us what’s wrong, he’s givin’ us ways to fix it too. He’s got antidotes, he calls ’em. For criticism, it’s that gentle start-up I was talkin’ about. For contempt, you gotta build a culture of appreciation, show some respect, you know? For defensiveness, you gotta take responsibility for your part, even if it’s just a little bit. And for stonewalling, you gotta learn to calm yourself down, take a break if you need to, but come back and talk it out.
It ain’t easy, this relationship stuff. It takes work, lots of it. But if you can keep them Four Horsemen away, you got a better chance of makin’ it last. It’s about talkin’, listenin’, and treatin’ each other with kindness and respect. That’s what it boils down to, far as I can tell. John Gottman, he is a psychologist and relationship expert, he spent a lot of time figuring this out, must be something to it. And this tool he made, the Gottman Relationship Adviser, that sounds like it could be helpful for folks too. Anything that helps people get along better is a good thing in my book.
It is all about learnin’ and growin’ together, like two trees intertwined. If one starts to rot or wither, it affects the other. So, you got to tend to that relationship garden, pull out the weeds of negativity, and nurture the flowers of love and respect. And don’t forget to water it with kindness and understanding. That is how you keep a relationship strong, like a good cup of coffee, warm and comforting on a cold day.
Relationships are hard work and they are never perfect. You have to communicate and compromise. And most of all, you gotta be kind to each other. That’s all there is to it.
Tags: [Gottman, Relationships, Four Horsemen, Communication, Marriage, Advice, Conflict Resolution, Love, Respect, Psychology]
