Well, let me tell ya, relationships, they ain’t always sunshine and roses. Sometimes, they’re more like a thunderstorm, and lemme tell ya, some storms are worse than others. There’s this fella, Dr. Gottman, he talks about these “Four Horsemen,” not the kind with horses and swords, mind you, but things that can kill a relationship dead.
First up is criticism. Now, complainin’ is one thing, everyone does it. “You left your socks on the floor again!” That’s complainin’. But criticism? That’s like sayin’, “You ALWAYS leave your socks on the floor, you’re so lazy!” See the difference? One’s about a thing, the other’s about the whole dang person. It’s like you’re pickin’ at ’em all the time, findin’ fault with everything they do. Nobody wants to be around someone who’s always naggin’ and puttin’ ’em down.
- Example of criticism: “You never listen to me.”
- Example of complaining: “I felt like you weren’t listening when I was talking about my day.”
Then there’s contempt. This one’s nasty. It’s like you’re lookin’ down on your partner, treatin’ ’em like dirt. It’s sneerin’, eye-rollin’, makin’ fun of ’em, callin’ ’em names. It’s like you ain’t got no respect for ’em at all. And lemme tell ya, respect is a big deal in any relationship, whether it’s with your husband, your kids, or even your neighbor down the road.
Contempt can show up in different ways. Sometimes it’s obvious, like when someone’s bein’ mean and sarcastic. Other times it’s more subtle, like when you just ignore your partner or treat ’em like they’re stupid. Either way, it’s poison. It eats away at the love and trust until there’s nothin’ left.
Defensiveness, that’s another one. It’s like when you’re always makin’ excuses, never takin’ responsibility for nothin’. Your partner says, “Hey, you forgot to pick up the milk,” and you jump right in with, “Well, you didn’t remind me!” It’s like you’re always tryin’ to win an argument instead of tryin’ to solve the problem. And nobody wins when you’re always fightin’ like that.
And when defensiveness doesn’t work, folks start stonewalling. That’s when you just shut down. You refuse to talk, you avoid eye contact, you might as well be a brick wall. It’s like you’re buildin’ a fortress around yourself, keepin’ your partner out. And let me tell ya, a relationship can’t survive when one person’s buildin’ walls instead of bridges.
Now, most couples, they’ll have a little bit of this stuff from time to time. Arguments happen, people get frustrated. But healthy relationships, they don’t let these things take over. They figure out ways to talk things out, to listen to each other, to show respect even when they disagree. They don’t just shut down or start name-callin’. It takes work, mind you, but it’s worth it if you want to keep that love alive.
So, if you see these “Four Horsemen” ridin’ around in your relationship, don’t just ignore ’em. They ain’t gonna go away on their own. You gotta do somethin’ about it. Talk to your partner, try to understand where they’re comin’ from, and work together to find a better way. ‘Cause a good relationship, well, that’s somethin’ worth fightin’ for.
And remember, nobody’s perfect. We all mess up sometimes. But if you’re willin’ to work at it, you can keep those horsemen at bay and build a strong, happy relationship that lasts. It ain’t always easy, but it sure is worth it.
One more thing, you know. Sometimes, it ain’t even about big fights or nasty words. Sometimes, it’s just… the little things. Like, you forget to say “thank you,” or you don’t listen when your partner’s talkin’, or you’re always lookin’ at your phone. Those little things, they can add up over time. So, pay attention to ‘em, you know? Don’t let the small stuff ruin somethin’ good.
Tags: Relationships, Communication, Conflict, Marriage, Advice, Gottman, Four Horsemen, Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling
