Well, let me tell ya somethin’ about relationships. It ain’t all sunshine and rainbows, that’s for sure. Some smart fella, Dr. Gottman I think his name was, he talked about somethin’ called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for relationships. Sounds scary, right? Well, it kinda is.
First off, there’s this thing called criticism. Now, nobody’s perfect, we all mess up. But there’s a difference between sayin’ “Hey, you forgot to take out the trash” and sayin’ “You’re a lazy good-for-nothin’ who never helps around here.” See the difference? One’s about a thing you did, the other’s about who you are. And nobody likes bein’ told they’re a bad person, ya know?
Then comes defensiveness. That’s when you start makin’ excuses for everything. Instead of sayin’ “You’re right, I messed up,” you say “Well, you did this…” or “It’s not my fault, it’s because…” Always gotta be someone else’s fault, right? That ain’t gonna get you nowhere in a relationship.
Now, the third one, contempt, that’s a real nasty one. That’s when you start lookin’ down on your partner, like they’re beneath you. You roll your eyes, you make fun of them, you treat ’em like dirt. That kinda stuff just eats away at a relationship, like termites in a wood house.
- It makes the other person feel small and worthless.
- Nobody wants to be with someone who makes them feel like that.
- It shows a real lack of respect, and respect is important in any relationship.
And last but not least, there’s stonewalling. That’s when you just shut down. Your partner’s talkin’ to you, tryin’ to work things out, and you just put up a wall. You don’t respond, you don’t look at ’em, you just… stonewall. It’s like you’re not even there. And that’s just as bad as yelling and screamin’, maybe even worse, ’cause it shows you don’t even care enough to fight.
This Dr. Gottman fella, he says these four things – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – they can kill a relationship deader than a doornail. And he’s been studyin’ this stuff for a long time, so he probably knows what he’s talkin’ about.
So, what can ya do about it? Well, first thing is to recognize when you’re doin’ it. Are you always criticizin’ your partner? Are you always makin’ excuses? Are you lookin’ down on ’em? Are you shuttin’ ’em out? If you are, you gotta stop. It ain’t easy, but it’s gotta be done.
Try to talk to each other, really talk. Listen to what your partner’s sayin’, even if you don’t like it. Try to see things from their point of view. And most importantly, treat each other with respect. Remember, you’re a team, you’re supposed to be on the same side.
Relationships are hard work, there’s no gettin’ around that. But if you put in the effort, and you avoid these four horsemen, you got a better chance of makin’ it work. And that’s worth fightin’ for, ain’t it?
This ain’t rocket science, folks. It’s just about bein’ a decent human bein’. Treat your partner the way you want to be treated, and you’ll be alright. And if you find yourself fallin’ into those bad habits, catch yourself and turn it around. It’s never too late to start doin’ things the right way.
So, next time you’re havin’ a disagreement with your loved one, remember these four horsemen. And do your best to keep ’em outta your relationship. Your happiness depends on it, ya know? It ain’t always easy, but good relationships are worth fighting for.
Tags: [relationships, four horsemen, Gottman, communication, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, conflict resolution, marriage advice]
