Alright, let’s talk about this fella, John Gottman, and his “Four Horsemen” thing. Sounds fancy, but it ain’t nothin’ but common sense, if you ask me. He says there are these four things that’ll kill a relationship faster than a bad batch of moonshine.
First up is criticism. Now, nobody likes bein’ nagged at all the time. It’s one thing to say, “Hey, the trash needs takin’ out,” but it’s another to say, “You never lift a finger around here, you lazy good-for-nothin’.” See the difference? One’s just a chore, the other’s a jab at who you are. And let me tell ya, nobody wants to be told they ain’t good enough, day in and day out.
- Gottman, he says constant criticism is bad.
- It tears a person down.
Then there’s contempt. This is even worse than criticism. This is when you look down your nose at your partner, like they’re dirt on your shoe. You roll your eyes, you sneer, you make fun of ’em. It’s like you think you’re better than them, and that, my friends, is a recipe for disaster. Makes a person feel small, like they ain’t worth nothin’. And nobody wants to stick around for that kinda treatment.
Defensiveness is another one. Instead of listenin’ to what your partner’s sayin’, you get all riled up and start makin’ excuses. “It wasn’t me, it was you!” “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t done this!” It’s like a ping-pong match, back and forth, nobody takin’ responsibility for nothin’. And you know what that gets ya? Nowhere. Just a whole lotta yelling and nobody hearin’ a word the other one says. Gottman says this defensiveness, it just pushes people further apart.
And last but not least, we got stonewalling. This is when you just shut down. You clam up, you avoid eye contact, you build a wall around yourself so thick you can’t hear nothin’ and your partner can’t reach you. It’s like you’re givin’ ’em the silent treatment, but worse. You’re basically sayin’, “I don’t care what you say, I’m not listenin’.” And that, my friends, is a lonely road. That stonewalling, it’s like slammin’ the door in someone’s face, but without actually moving. It makes a person feel invisible, like they don’t matter at all.
Gottman, he watched all these couples, see, years and years of ’em, fightin’ and makin’ up and fightin’ again. And he figured out that these four things – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – these were the things that made relationships go sour. He even called ’em the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which sounds mighty scary, but it just means these behaviors can destroy a relationship. It’s like a poison, slowly eatin’ away at the love and respect you once had.
Now, I ain’t no fancy doctor or nothin’, but I’ve seen my share of relationships fall apart. And I can tell ya, Gottman’s on to somethin’. If you’re always criticizin’ your partner, lookin’ down on ’em, gettin’ defensive, or just shuttin’ ’em out, you ain’t gonna have a happy relationship. It’s as simple as that. You gotta treat each other with respect, listen to each other, and try to see things from the other person’s point of view. Otherwise, you might as well pack your bags now, ’cause it ain’t gonna last. Relationships, they take work. You gotta water ’em and feed ’em and give ’em sunshine, just like a garden. Otherwise, they’ll just wither up and die.
So, if you’re havin’ trouble in your relationship, take a look at how you’re treatin’ each other. Are you criticizin’ too much? Are you lookin’ down on your partner? Are you always gettin’ defensive? Are you stonewalling ’em? If you are, it’s time to make a change. It ain’t easy, but it’s worth it. ‘Cause a good relationship, that’s somethin’ to treasure. It’s like finding a good patch of berries in the woods, you gotta appreciate it and take care of it, or it won’t last.
Gottman says being able to understand where your partner’s coming from is real important. Like, putting yourself in their shoes, you know? That’s what he calls “attunement.” If you can do that, you got a better chance of working things out. It ain’t always easy, mind you, but it’s worth the effort.
Tags: Relationships, Marriage, Communication, Psychology, Conflict Resolution, John Gottman, Four Horsemen, Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Relationship Advice
