Alright, let’s talk about this “softened start up” thing, whatever that fancy name means. I ain’t no scholar, just an old woman who’s seen a thing or two about how folks get along, or don’t get along, more like it.
What’s a Softened Start Up Anyway?
Now, from what I gather, this “softened start up” is just a fancy way of sayin’ be nice when you start talkin’ about somethin’ that’s botherin’ you. You know, like when you got a burr under your saddle, but you don’t go screamin’ and hollerin’ about it. You gotta be gentle, like you’re talkin’ to a guest in your home, not some stray dog you wanna chase off your porch.
- Start gentle, don’t go accusin’ right off the bat.
- It’s okay to say somethin’s botherin’ you, but don’t go pointin’ fingers and blamin’ the other person for everythin’.
The Gottmans and Their Fancy Learnin’
These Gottman folks, some kinda brainy doctors or somethin’, they been married a long time, so I guess they know a thing or two about stickin’ it out. They say they studied a whole bunch of couples, like, thousands of ’em, to figure out what makes love work and what makes it fall apart. Sounds like a lot of work to me, but I guess somebody’s gotta do it. They come up with this softened start up thing, sayin’ it’s real important for keepin’ the peace.
Harsh Start Ups: The Road to Ruin
Now, the opposite of a softened start up, that’s what they call a “harsh start up.” And let me tell you, that’s like throwin’ gasoline on a fire. You start accusin’, blamin’, yellin’, and before you know it, you’re in a full-blown fight. Nobody listens, nobody cares, and everythin’ just gets worse. I’ve seen it happen a hundred times. Folks get so caught up in bein’ right, they forget to be kind. And kindness, well, that’s the grease that keeps the wheels turnin’, in marriage and in life.
Six Pieces of the Softened Start Up Puzzle
So, these Gottmans, they broke down this softened start up into six parts. Like I said, I ain’t no scholar, but I can tell you what they mean in plain English.
1. Startin’ Soft and Gentle: Like I said before, don’t come in hot. Ease into the conversation. Imagine you’re walkin’ on eggshells, not stompin’ through a mud puddle.
2. Complainin’ without Blamin’: It’s okay to say “I’m feelin’ a bit down because the dishes ain’t done” instead of “You never do the dishes, you lazy bum!” See the difference? One’s talkin’ about how you feel, the other’s attackin’.
3. “I” Statements are Your Friend: Start your sentences with “I feel” or “I think” instead of “You always” or “You never.” It makes a big difference, believe me. It sounds less like you’re accusin’ and more like you’re sharin’. For example, instead of yellin’ “You never take out the garbage!”, try somethin’ like “I feel frustrated when the garbage piles up.” See? It’s softer, less likely to set the other person off.
4. Be Polite and Respectful: Remember that guest in your house? Treat your partner the same way, even when you’re upset. Say “please” and “thank you,” don’t interrupt, and listen when they talk. This ain’t rocket science, folks. It’s just common courtesy.
5. Focus on the Problem, Not the Person: Don’t make it personal. You’re upset about the messy house, not that your partner’s a messy person. Stick to the issue at hand. Don’t start draggin’ up everythin’ they’ve ever done wrong. That’s just stirrin’ the pot and makin’ things worse.
6. Appreciate Your Partner: Even when you’re arguin’, try to remember the good things about your partner. Remind yourself why you love ’em in the first place. A little appreciation goes a long way. It’s like waterin’ a plant; you gotta keep showin’ it love if you want it to grow.
Why Bother with Softened Start Ups?
Now, you might be thinkin’, “This all sounds like a lot of work.” And you’d be right. It ain’t easy bein’ nice when you’re mad. But trust me, it’s worth it. Harsh start ups just lead to more fightin’, more hurt feelin’s, and a whole lotta misery. Softened start ups, on the other hand, they open the door to communication, understanding, and maybe even a little bit of peace. And ain’t that what we all want in the end?
So, next time you got a burr under your saddle, try a softened start up. You might be surprised at how much better things go. It ain’t a magic bullet, but it’s a good place to start. And remember, kindness goes a long way, even when things are tough. Be gentle with each other, folks. Life’s hard enough as it is.
