Alright, listen up, young’uns. Let me tell ya ’bout this marriage thing. It ain’t all sunshine and roses, that’s for sure. Some fella, a smarty-pants doctor I heard, he calls some marriage problems the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Sounds scary, right? Well, it kinda is. So, let me break it down for ya, the way I see it, plain and simple.
First off, there’s this criticism thing. Now, everybody complains a bit, that’s normal. But this here criticism, it’s nasty. It ain’t just sayin’ “Honey, you left the milk out again.” It’s more like, “You always leave the milk out! You’re so forgetful, you never think about nobody but yourself!” See the difference? It’s attackin’ the person, not just the problem. Like, if your man forgets to take out the trash, you don’t gotta say he’s a lazy good-for-nothin’. Just say, “Hey, the trash needs takin’ out.” Keep it simple, ya know?
Then there’s contempt. This one’s even worse. It’s like you’re lookin’ down on your partner, treatin’ ’em like dirt. Rollin’ your eyes, sneerin’, makin’ fun of ’em. That kinda stuff. It’s like sayin’, “You’re stupid,” or “You’re worthless.” That ain’t love, that’s poison. You gotta treat your partner with respect, even when you’re mad. Remember why you fell for ’em in the first place. They ain’t always perfect, and neither are you.
- Example of Contempt: Say your husband tries to fix somethin’ around the house, but he messes it up. Contempt would be sayin’, “You call that fixin’ it? You can’t even hammer a nail straight! You’re hopeless!” Instead, maybe say, “Hey, thanks for tryin’. Maybe we can call someone to help us with this.”
- Another Example: If your wife is tellin’ you a story and you interrupt her and say, “Oh, here we go again with another one of your boring stories.” That’s just plain mean and disrespectful.
Next up is defensiveness. This is when you’re always makin’ excuses, never takin’ responsibility. Your partner says, “Hey, we need to talk about the bills,” and you jump in with, “Well, it’s not my fault! You’re the one who spends all the money!” Even if you think they’re wrong, try listenin’ first. Sayin’ “Yeah, maybe I could’ve done that better” goes a long way. It ain’t about winnin’ an argument, it’s about workin’ together.
And lastly, there’s stonewalling. This is when you just shut down. Your partner’s tryin’ to talk to you, but you just give ’em the silent treatment, or you walk away. It’s like buildin’ a wall between you. You might think you’re avoidin’ a fight, but you’re actually makin’ things worse. It’s better to say, “Look, I’m upset right now, can we talk about this later?” At least that shows you still care enough to try and work it out.
Now, this doctor fella, he says there’s ways to fight these horsemen. Instead of that nasty criticism, try to be gentle. Say how you feel without blamin’ your partner. Instead of contempt, try showin’ some appreciation. Say “thank you” once in a while. Instead of gettin’ defensive, try to understand where your partner’s comin’ from. And instead of stonewalling, try to stay engaged, even when it’s hard.
Marriage ain’t easy, that’s for sure. It takes work, lots of it. But if you can keep them four horsemen away, you got a better chance of makin’ it last. It’s about respect, see? And kindness. And rememberin’ that you’re a team. You’re in this together. Don’t let them horsemen trample all over your love. Fight for it. It’s worth fightin’ for.
In short, treat each other the way you want to be treated. That’s the golden rule, ain’t it? And it applies to marriage just as much as anything else. So be kind, be patient, and don’t let those horsemen ruin what you got.
And listen, nobody’s perfect. You’re gonna mess up, your partner’s gonna mess up. But as long as you keep tryin’, and keep talkin’, and keep showin’ each other some love, you got a shot. That’s all any of us can do.
Tags: [marriage, relationship, communication, love, divorce, conflict, Gottman, four horsemen, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling]
