Alright, let’s talk about this 4 horsemen relationship thing. I ain’t no fancy professor, but I’ve seen a thing or two in my days, and lemme tell ya, relationships can be tough. It’s like farmin’ – gotta put in the work, or nothin’ good’s gonna grow.
So, these four horsemen, they ain’t real horses, mind you. They’re more like bad habits, real nasty ones, that can kill a relationship faster than a frost on young crops. First one is criticism.
Now, listen, everybody gripes a little. If your man leaves his dirty boots by the door again, you might say, “Honey, could ya please put them boots away?” That’s normal. But criticism? That’s different. That’s like sayin’, “You ALWAYS leave your boots there! You NEVER think about anyone but yourself! You’re so LAZY!” See the difference? One’s just talkin’ about the boots, the other’s attackin’ the whole person. It’s like pickin’ at a scab, it just makes things worse and it NEVER heals right. It makes a person feel small and worthless, like a stepped-on bug.
- It ain’t about the boots, it’s about makin’ the other person feel bad.
- It’s constant nitpickin’ and findin’ fault with everything.
- It makes the other person feel like they can’t do anything right.
Then there’s contempt. This one’s even uglier. This is when you start lookin’ down on your partner, like they’re dirt beneath your shoes. You roll your eyes, you sneer, you make fun of ‘em. You call ‘em names, not in a playful way, but in a way that’s meant to hurt. It’s like poison, slowly killin’ the love between you. I seen it happen. A man starts treatin’ his wife like she’s stupid, or a woman starts talkin’ down to her husband like he’s a child. It ain’t right, and it sure ain’t gonna lead to a happy home.
Defensiveness is another one. This is when you can’t admit you’re wrong, even when you are. Somebody says, “Hey, you forgot to pick up the milk,” and you jump down their throat, “Well, YOU forgot to tell me! And besides, you never help with the grocery shopping anyway!” It’s like buildin’ a wall between you and your partner. Nobody can get through that wall, and the problem just festers.
Instead of listenin’ and tryin’ to understand, you’re too busy protectin’ yourself. You make excuses, you blame the other person, you do anything but take responsibility. It’s like tryin’ to hold water in a leaky bucket – no matter how much you pour in, it just keeps drainin’ out.
And the last one is stonewalling. This is when you just shut down. You refuse to talk, you refuse to listen, you just build a brick wall around yourself. It’s like you’re not even there. Your partner could be yellin’ or cryin’, and you’re just starin’ off into space, like a statue.
It’s a way of avoidin’ conflict, sure, but it’s a terrible way. It leaves the other person feelin’ alone and ignored, like they don’t even matter. It’s like tryin’ to talk to a fence post – you ain’t gonna get nowhere. I seen couples where one person just clams up, refuses to talk about anything important. The other person is left hangin’, feelin’ helpless and frustrated.
So, what do ya do about these horsemen? Well, first thing is, you gotta recognize ‘em. You gotta see ‘em for what they are – poison to your relationship. Then you gotta start workin’ on changin’ your ways. It ain’t easy, but it’s worth it. You gotta learn to talk to each other, to really listen, to show respect. And if you can’t do it on your own, well, maybe you need some help. There’s no shame in that. Sometimes, even the best farmers need a little help to get their crops growin’ right.
Remember, a good relationship is like a good garden. You gotta tend to it, water it, pull out the weeds. You gotta put in the time and the effort. But if you do, you can have somethin’ beautiful and lastin’. But if you let those four horsemen run wild, well, your garden’s gonna wither and die. It’s as simple as that.
Marriage, it is hard work and it takes two people to make it work. You both gotta be willin’ to put in the time and effort to get it in good shape, because believe me, a bad relationship sure feels like a sickness, it can bring you down somethin’ terrible.
So, if you see these horsemen ridin’ into your relationship, you gotta buck ‘em off, quick. Before they trample everything good and leave you with nothin’ but dust.
Tags: [Four Horsemen, Relationship Problems, Communication, Marriage, Conflict Resolution, Gottman, Healthy Relationships, Advice]
