So, the other day, I stumbled upon this thing called “4 horsemen of the apocalypse” by some guy named John Gottman. It sounded intense, so I decided to dig into it and see if it’s something I could apply to my own life, especially in how I handle disagreements with my wife.
Starting with Observations
I started by just observing. I paid attention to how we talked to each other during disagreements. Nothing fancy, just noticed the patterns. I grabbed a notebook and jotted down some examples. Like, “I complained she always leaves the kitchen messy” – that seemed like criticism. Or when she said, “You’re always late,” and I fired back with, “Well, at least I do the laundry,” which felt pretty defensive.
Listing the Horsemen
- Criticism: This is basically attacking someone’s character rather than their actions. I realized I did this a lot without thinking, like saying, “You’re so irresponsible” instead of “It bothers me when you forget to pay the bills on time.”
- Contempt: This one is nasty. It’s about being disrespectful, mocking, and just plain mean. I caught myself rolling my eyes a couple of times when she was talking. Not my proudest moments, I admit.
- Defensiveness: This is when you play the victim instead of taking responsibility. I’m a master at this one. I always had an excuse ready, deflecting any blame.
- Stonewalling: This is basically shutting down and refusing to engage. I noticed that sometimes, when things got heated, I would just clam up and go silent. Not helpful at all.
Changing My Approach
After identifying these “horsemen” in our interactions, I decided to consciously change how I communicated. Instead of criticizing, I tried to focus on the specific behavior that bothered me. I started saying things like, “I feel frustrated when the dishes are left in the sink,” instead of, “You’re so lazy.” I also paid attention to my tone, avoiding sarcasm or eye-rolling. It was tough at first, but I practiced using “I” statements and expressed my feelings without attacking her character.
Working on Defensiveness
When I felt the urge to get defensive, I took a deep breath and tried to listen to her perspective. I practiced saying things like, “I understand you’re upset,” or “Tell me more about why you feel that way.” It wasn’t easy, but I focused on acknowledging her feelings instead of immediately jumping to my own defense. Instead of deflecting, I tried to own up to my part. It was a huge shift to say, “You’re right, I haven’t been helping out as much lately,” instead of making excuses.
Breaking Down the Walls
To combat stonewalling, I made a conscious effort to stay engaged, even when I felt overwhelmed. I realized that shutting down only made things worse. So, I started to communicate that I needed a break, but I promised to come back to the conversation later. Instead of just walking away, I learned to say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a 10-minute break and come back to this?” It was a game-changer.
Seeing the Results
Honestly, it’s been a work in progress, but I’ve already seen some positive changes. Our arguments are less intense, and we seem to resolve things more quickly. It’s not perfect, and we still slip up sometimes, but we’re both committed to communicating better. It feels like we’re on the same team again, working through things together instead of against each other. By actively working to avoid these four horsemen, our communication has improved, and we’re able to resolve conflicts more effectively. It’s been tough, but definitely worth the effort. We’re still a work in progress, but at least we’re making progress. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about trying to be better, and that’s what I’m focused on.
