Okay, so last week, my partner and I decided to try out this thing called the “Gottman State of the Union” meeting. I’d heard about it from a friend who said it worked wonders for their relationship, and frankly, we could use a little wonder-working ourselves.
We started by prepping ourselves. We picked a quiet evening, put our phones away, and made sure we had about an hour of uninterrupted time. Then we got straight to work. We took turns listing out five things the other person did during the week that we really appreciated. Sounds simple, right? But it was surprisingly impactful. I told my partner how much I appreciated them taking out the trash without me asking and doing the dishes even though it was my turn. It made me feel like they really had my back.
It wasn’t just about listing the actions, though. We also talked about what those actions meant about the other person’s character. Like, when my partner took the initiative to plan a surprise date night, I told them it showed how thoughtful and spontaneous they are, which I absolutely love about them.
After we both shared our five things, we moved on to the tougher part, we tried to discuss any unresolved issues. This is where things usually got tricky for us, we usually get lost in a loop. But with the Gottman method, we had a clear process to follow. We took turns talking about one issue at a time, focusing on how we felt rather than blaming each other. For example, instead of saying, “You always leave your socks on the floor,” I tried, “I feel overwhelmed when I see clutter around the house.”
We listened to each other without interrupting, which is harder than it sounds, and tried to understand the other’s perspective. Then we brainstormed together to find a solution that worked for both of us. We even wrote down our agreed-upon solutions to make sure we were on the same page.
The whole meeting took about an hour, and honestly, it was a bit exhausting. But by the end, we both felt a sense of relief and accomplishment. We’d tackled some tough topics without our usual shouting match and actually made some progress.
- We set a time and place.
- We shared five things we appreciated about each other.
- We discussed the character traits behind those actions.
- We tackled unresolved issues one at a time.
- We focused on feelings rather than blame.
- We listened without interrupting.
- We brainstormed solutions together.
- We wrote down our agreements.
We’re planning to make this Gottman State of the Union meeting a regular thing, maybe once a month or so. It’s not a magic fix, but it’s a tool that helps us communicate better, resolve conflicts more effectively, and ultimately, strengthen our relationship. And in my book, that’s worth a try.
