Now, let me tell ya about this feller named Gottman and his talkin’ on relationships. They call it the “Four Horsemen,” like them big ol’ troublemakers that just bring messes to a marriage. He’s got some sharp points, that’s for sure. Gottman says these Four Horsemen are bad habits in how people talk to each other, and lemme tell ya, when these come marchin’ in, love might just pack its bags.
Criticism
First one’s called criticism. Now, criticism ain’t just pointin’ out some little thing. Oh no, it’s about pickin’ on someone like you’re diggin’ for gold, only it’s all bad stuff you’re pullin’ up. Gottman says it’s when ya get too personal, pokin’ at your partner’s character, not just what they did. You know, like instead of sayin’ “you forgot the milk,” you sayin’, “you’re always so forgetful, you can’t do nothin’ right.” Now that right there hurts, don’t it?
And when criticism gets comfy in a relationship, it’s like plantin’ a seed that just grows weeds. One starts criticizin’, then the other feels lower than a snake’s belly, and they might start criticizin’ right back. Just a circle of hurt, no good to come from it, I tell ya.
Contempt
Now, if criticism’s bad, contempt is the real kicker. Contempt is when you start actin’ like you’re better than the other, lookin’ down on ’em like they’re just dirt under your shoe. Gottman says this here’s the worst of the bunch. With contempt, it’s like you’re spittin’ poison every time you talk. Maybe ya roll your eyes or use sarcasm—makes the other feel mighty low.
See, contempt just tears a person down, bit by bit, until they don’t feel respected no more. And when that respect’s gone, well, love don’t stick around long after. Gottman says that’s one of the surest signs things are headin’ south.
Defensiveness
Now, this one here, defensiveness, is like when ya get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, but instead of sayin’ “sorry,” you say, “well, you didn’t say I couldn’t!” Just makin’ excuses and blamin’ back. Ain’t nobody gettin’ nowhere like that.
Gottman says defensiveness is a way of protectin’ yourself, but it’s like buildin’ a wall. The more ya defend, the less ya listen, and if both folks are too busy defendin’, nobody’s hearin’ nobody. Now tell me, how’s anythin’ gonna get fixed that way?
Stonewalling
This last one’s called stonewallin’, and it’s just what it sounds like—shuttin’ down and puttin’ up a wall. When folks get too fed up, they just stop talkin’ altogether. They sit there like a stone wall, maybe cross their arms, look away, but no words come out.
Now, sometimes stonewallin’ happens when someone’s real overwhelmed. They can’t take any more, so they just shut down. But this don’t fix a lick of the problem, no sir. Gottman says if ya want to save the relationship, ya gotta break through that stone wall and keep the conversation goin’, even if it’s tough.
What to Do About the Four Horsemen
So, what’s to be done? Well, Gottman’s got some ideas, bless him. He says, instead of criticism, folks oughta talk more gently—bring up things that bug ya without makin’ it personal. And contempt? That’s gotta go, replaced by some respect and appreciation, even when it’s hard.
For defensiveness, he suggests takin’ some responsibility. Maybe ya messed up, maybe ya didn’t, but ownin’ a piece of it can soften things right up. And for that ol’ stonewallin’? Gottman says it helps to take a breather. Step back, calm down, and come back when ya can talk without blowin’ a fuse.
Now, if ya ask me, these things might sound simple, but gettin’ rid of these habits ain’t easy as pie. Takes work, patience, and a whole lotta tryin’. But Gottman says it makes a world of difference, and if it saves love, well, ain’t that worth a try?
Tags：[Gottman, Four Horsemen, Criticism, Contempt, Relationships, Defensiveness, Stonewalling]
