Alright, so let’s talk about this neurodiverse couples therapy thing. It’s been a bit of a journey, and I figured I’d share what we went through, you know, the nitty-gritty of it all.
Finding Our Way There
It started, like a lot of things, with us just not getting each other. We’d talk, or try to, and it felt like we were on different planets. Standard advice, the usual couples stuff, it just wasn’t clicking. We’d try, bless our hearts, but it often ended up in more confusion or one of us feeling completely misunderstood. It was exhausting, frankly. We spent a good while just bumping into walls, trying to figure out why things that seemed to work for other couples just… didn’t for us. We read books, watched videos, the whole nine yards. Some things helped a tiny bit, but the core issue, that feeling of being fundamentally out of sync, it stayed put.
Then, I stumbled across some articles online, just randomly browsing, about neurodiversity in relationships. A few things started to make a horrifying amount of sense. It wasn’t about one of us being “wrong” or “not trying,” but more about our brains just being wired differently. That was a big lightbulb moment, or at least the start of one.
Taking the Plunge
So, we decided to look for therapy specifically geared towards this. Finding someone wasn’t super easy, not gonna lie. We did a bunch of searching, made some calls. We wanted someone who actually got it, not just someone who put “neurodiversity” on their website as a buzzword. We eventually found a therapist who specialized in neurodiverse couples. The first session was, well, a bit awkward. You’re laying out all your stuff to a stranger, right? But also, there was a tiny bit of hope. Maybe this person could translate for us.
The early sessions were a lot of groundwork. We talked about our histories, our communication styles (or lack thereof, sometimes!), and what our daily life looked like. It felt a bit like an archaeological dig at times, uncovering patterns we hadn’t even realized were there. The therapist mostly listened, asked a lot of questions. Pointed out things we’d say or do that we thought were normal, but in the context of our different wiring, were actually creating friction.
What We Actually Did
This wasn’t about blame. That was huge. It was more about understanding the mechanics. For example, we learned a lot about different ways of processing information. One of us might need things spelled out very literally, while the other communicates in more nuanced, indirect ways. You can imagine the crossed wires there! We practiced things like:
- Explicit communication: Saying exactly what we mean, even if it feels blunt or weird at first. Turns out, “hinting” is a terrible strategy when brains work differently.
- Taking breaks: When things got heated or overwhelming, learning to actually stop, step away, and come back when we were calmer. Sounds simple, but it’s hard to do in the moment.
- Understanding sensory sensitivities: This was a big one. Things that might be mildly annoying to one person could be a full-blown sensory assault for the other. We had to learn to recognize and respect that.
- Identifying “meltdowns” vs. “shutdowns” vs. “just being a jerk”: Okay, maybe not the last one in therapy terms, but you get it. Understanding the ‘why’ behind certain reactions was key.
There were exercises, homework (ugh, homework!), and lots and lots of talking. Sometimes it was frustrating. We’d have sessions where it felt like we took ten steps back. Other times, there’d be a little breakthrough, a moment where we both went, “Ohhhhh, so THAT’S why you do that!” Those were gold.
Where We’re At Now
So, has it fixed everything? Nope. Are we now some perfectly harmonious, always-understanding couple? Definitely not. That’s not realistic for anyone, neurodiverse or not. But what it has done is given us a toolkit. A shared language, almost. We understand each other’s operating systems a lot better now. We can recognize the signs of overwhelm or miscommunication much earlier. We still mess up, of course. We’re human.
The biggest change, I think, is the reduction in unintentional hurt. Before, we’d often hurt each other without meaning to, just because we didn’t understand the other’s perspective or needs. Now, there’s more awareness. There’s more grace, I guess. We still have to work at it, every single day. It’s not a one-and-done kind of deal. It’s an ongoing practice. But it feels more like we’re on the same team now, even if we’re playing with slightly different rulebooks. And that, for us, has made all the difference.
