Well now, if you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know how it goes. You try to reach out to your partner, maybe just for a little talk or a hug, and you hope they’ll turn towards you. But, sometimes they don’t. That’s what people like John Gottman talk about when they mention “bids for connection.” It’s like when you’re trying to get someone’s attention, and they either pay attention or ignore you. It’s that simple, really.
Now, John Gottman, he’s a smart fella. He’s been studying relationships for years, and he says these “bids” are the heart of it all. He calls them the “fundamental unit of emotional connection.” What he means by that is, whenever you or your partner reach out in any way—whether it’s asking for help, telling a joke, or just wanting to talk—those are bids. A bid is just a fancy way of saying you want some connection, some acknowledgment. And how the other person responds makes all the difference.
There’s three ways folks can respond to these bids, and let me tell you, they’re as clear as day. First, you can turn towards, which means you’re responding with attention or interest. Second, you can turn away, which is like ignoring or brushing off the bid. And last, there’s turning against, which is even worse—it’s when you respond negatively or with anger. Now, if you keep turning away or against your partner, that’s when things start going south in a relationship.
But here’s the thing—if you can learn to turn towards your partner’s bids, then you’re on the right track. It’s simple really. When your partner reaches out, you don’t need to be perfect or say the right thing. Just show that you care. That’s what keeps the connection strong. It’s like when you’re sitting on the porch and someone says, “Hey, look at that sunset,” and instead of ignoring them, you look and say, “Yeah, that’s beautiful.” You’re turning towards them, acknowledging their need for attention, and that little moment makes a big difference.
Now, in this Gottman Method, they say it’s all about recognizing when a bid is being made. Sometimes it’s not as obvious as you’d think. Bids can be anything—like asking for help with the groceries, or just a casual comment. The trick is noticing it. If your partner says, “I’m tired,” it might be a bid for you to step in and help out. If they say, “It’s hot in here,” maybe they want you to open a window or just talk about it. It’s all about those little gestures, those little signals that tell you they need something.
In Gottman’s research, they’ve found that healthy couples are always making these bids and turning towards each other. It’s like the glue that holds the relationship together. So, if you want to make sure your connection stays strong, you need to learn to turn towards those bids. And if you’re not sure how, well, start small. Pay attention to the little things. If your partner says, “I’m hungry,” don’t just say, “Me too,” take it as a chance to do something together. Maybe make a meal, or just share a snack. That’s a bid, and responding can make all the difference.
And if you ever wonder, “Well, how do I know if I’m turning towards?” It’s not always easy. Sometimes we’re tired, or distracted, or just in a bad mood. But you have to try. It’s like building any habit. The more you do it, the better you get. If you keep turning towards your partner, showing you’re interested in what they have to say, you’ll both feel more connected. It might not seem like much, but trust me, those small moments pile up.
So, next time your partner says something, or does something that feels like a bid, don’t turn away. Don’t turn against. Turn towards them, and you’ll see how much better things can be. Relationships are built on these small moments, and the more you make them, the stronger your bond will be.
If you want to learn more about how to recognize and respond to bids for connection, you can check out the Gottman Method. It’s a way of helping couples understand each other better and build a more loving relationship. Trust me, once you start turning towards those bids, you’ll see a difference. It’s just like tending to a garden—you have to water it regularly, and soon enough, it’ll bloom.
Tags：[Gottman Bids, Emotional Connection, Relationships, Gottman Method, Turning Towards, Communication in Relationships, Building Connection, Marriage Tips, John Gottman]
