This here thing, this cheating thing, it just breaks your heart into a million pieces, you know? It’s like someone took a hammer to your soul. It’s like a grieving, that’s what they call it, this grief after infidelity. And it comes in stages, these stages of grief. Just like when someone passes, but this here is a different kind of passing. It’s the passing of trust, the passing of what you thought was real.
First, it’s like you can’t even believe it. You’re walking around like a zombie. “No, no, it ain’t true,” you keep saying. This is the denial stage. “He wouldn’t do that to me. We’re good. We’re solid.” But deep down, that little voice is whispering, “Something ain’t right.” You see the signs, the late nights, the phone calls, the secrets. But you push it down, you try to ignore it. You just want things to go back to the way they were. You try to pretend it ain’t happening. But it is, it’s happening alright.
Then, oh boy, then comes the anger. Like a fire in your belly. You’re mad at him, you’re mad at her, you’re mad at the whole darn world. “How could he?” you scream. “After all I done for him! After all these years!” You want to yell, you want to scream, you want to break things. And you might. You might just break everything in sight. You might want to key his truck, but don’t go doing that. All that anger, it just eats you up inside. It’s like poison, that’s what it is. You gotta let it out, but you gotta do it right, you know? Screaming at the wall ain’t always a bad idea. Punch a pillow, maybe.
And then, you start thinking, “Maybe if I just…maybe if I was different…maybe if I was prettier, skinnier, younger.” You start trying to make deals. That’s the bargaining stage of grief. “God, if you just make this go away, I’ll be the best wife ever. I’ll cook every night, I’ll never complain again.” But it don’t work that way. It ain’t about you, it really ain’t. It’s about him, and what he did. You start thinking you can fix it, you can make it all better. If only you do this, if only you change that. But it ain’t up to you to fix his mess.
Then comes the sadness. Oh, the sadness. It’s like a heavy blanket, that sadness. You just want to stay in bed all day. You cry and you cry and you cry. You don’t want to eat, you don’t want to sleep, you just want to disappear. This is the deep, deep grief of infidelity. It just feels like this pain will never go away. Some days, you don’t want it to go away. You are just plain sad. Every little thing reminds you of him, of what you had, of what you lost. And it hurts, it hurts so bad.
- This stage of grief after infidelity is long.
- You gotta let yourself feel it. Don’t try to hold it in.
- Talk to your friends, your family. Let them be there for you. They are your support system, even if you feel like you don’t need them.
- If you need help, real help, go get it. It’s okay to ask for help.
- It’s okay to cry, to be sad. You don’t need to be strong.
After a while, you are getting used to it. It’s still there, that ache, that hole in your heart. But it ain’t as sharp anymore. You start to think maybe, just maybe, you can get through this. You start to accept what happened. This is a new stage of grief. This don’t mean you’re okay with it, it just means you’re starting to live with it. You might still get mad sometimes, you might still cry sometimes, but it ain’t all the time anymore. This is a step in the right direction. You can do it.
That cheater, he’s gotta own up to what he did. He’s gotta say he’s sorry, really sorry. Not just words, but actions. He’s gotta show you he’s sorry. He’s gotta make it up to you, if that’s even possible. This is the atone part, what some folks call it. He’s gotta understand what he did, how much he hurt you. He has to know how much pain he caused.
Then he’s gotta listen to you. Really listen. Not just pretend to listen, but really hear what you’re saying. He’s gotta let you yell, let you cry, let you get it all out. He has to hear you, even if it’s hard. He’s gotta be there for you, even when you push him away. He’s gotta understand your feelings, your pain. He’s gotta be in tune with you, feel what you feel. That’s the attune part, they say.
- He messed up, he’s gotta fix it. That’s the bottom line.
- It ain’t gonna be easy, it ain’t gonna be quick. But you are a strong woman.
- Trust is broken, it’s like a broken plate. You can glue it back together, but it’ll never be the same.
- He’s gotta show you he’s changed, that he’s a new man.
- You gotta decide if you can forgive him, if you can ever trust him again. And that’s up to you. No one can tell you what to do.
And then, maybe, just maybe, you can start to rebuild. Maybe you can start to trust again, maybe you can start to love again. But it’s gonna take time, a whole lot of time. This is the attach part, this rebuilding. It’s like building a new house, brick by brick. It’s hard work, but it can be done. It ain’t easy, and it ain’t quick. But maybe, just maybe, you can build something new, something stronger. But only if you want to, only if you are willing to give it a chance. And if not, that’s okay too. You gotta do what’s right for you, what’s best for you. You do you, girl. You are strong. You made it this far.
This whole thing, this infidelity, it changes you. It changes you forever. It leaves a scar, a big old scar. But scars, they tell a story. They show you’ve been through something, that you’ve survived. These are the stages of grief after infidelity. And you, you’re a survivor. You will find healing. You’re gonna get through this. You are stronger than you think. Just remember that. Remember that you are strong, you are a fighter, and you will get through this. It’s your life now, live it how you want.
