You know, in every relationship, things can start off all rosy and sweet. You feel like you’re walking on clouds, everything’s perfect, and you can’t imagine anything going wrong. But then, over time, stuff starts to change. Little things get on your nerves, and before you know it, you’re yelling, fighting, and not talking to each other like you used to. There’s a word for this, they call it the Four Horsemen of a Relationship. Now, don’t get scared by the name, it’s not about horses or anything like that, it’s about bad habits in relationships that can lead to trouble if you ain’t careful.
So, let me tell you, these Four Horsemen are things like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I know, sounds all fancy, but really, it’s just the ways people talk to each other when things start to fall apart. When these four start showing up a lot in your relationship, well, that’s when you gotta worry. They can slowly eat away at your bond until it’s all gone.
1. Criticism – The First Horseman
The first one is criticism. Now, I ain’t saying you can’t point out when something’s wrong, but there’s a way to do it without tearing the other person down. Criticism is when you start picking at your partner for everything they do. “You never listen to me!” or “Why can’t you do anything right?” That’s criticism. It’s not just about the little mistake they made, it’s about attacking their character. And when you start doing that all the time, it can really hurt them.
It’s important to understand that instead of criticizing, you gotta talk about how you feel. Like, instead of saying “You never help with the dishes,” maybe say, “I feel tired doing all the work around here, can we share the load a bit?” See the difference? One attacks them, the other talks about your feelings. It’s a big difference, trust me.
2. Contempt – The Second Horseman
Next up is contempt. This one’s nasty. Contempt is when you start looking down on your partner, like they’re less than you. It might be a little sarcastic comment or a roll of the eyes, but over time, it really cuts deep. When you start treating your partner like they’re stupid or worthless, that’s contempt. It’s when you stop respecting them and just start making fun of them or belittling them.
Let me tell you, if contempt takes root, it’s real hard to fix. You gotta stop thinking of your partner as your enemy and start seeing them as someone you care about again. And that means no more insults, no more eye rolls, and no more treating them like dirt.
3. Defensiveness – The Third Horseman
The third one is defensiveness. Now, we all get defensive sometimes, especially when we feel like we’re being attacked. But if you’re always defending yourself and never listening to your partner, that’s gonna cause problems. If your partner says something like, “You never listen to me,” and you just snap back with, “Well, you never talk to me!” — that’s being defensive.
When you get defensive, you’re not really hearing what your partner has to say. You’re just protecting yourself, and that ain’t gonna help you work things out. It’s like a wall goes up, and no one’s really communicating. If you catch yourself doing this, try to take a step back, listen, and think about what your partner is really saying before you jump into defense mode.
4. Stonewalling – The Final Horseman
Now, the last one is stonewalling. This one is like the silent treatment, where you shut down completely. Instead of talking about things, you just ignore your partner. You stop responding, stop engaging, and the other person feels like they’re talking to a wall. Stonewalling is dangerous because it means you’re not even trying to fix things anymore. You’re just giving up.
It’s especially common in men, but that don’t mean women can’t do it too. When stonewalling starts, the other person might feel abandoned, and that just adds more tension to the relationship. If you notice yourself shutting down like this, it’s important to take a breath and try to open up. You don’t have to fix everything in one go, but at least talk about it. Let the other person know you’re listening.
How to Avoid the Four Horsemen
Now, I know all this sounds a bit heavy, but the good news is, it ain’t too late to turn things around. The key is to recognize when these four horsemen are showing up and make an effort to do things differently. If you start noticing criticism, try to focus on what you need, not on what your partner’s doing wrong. If contempt shows up, remember to treat your partner with respect. If you’re being defensive, try to listen more and talk less. And if you’re stonewalling, take a break, but don’t shut them out completely.
It ain’t easy, but if both of you work at it, you can stop these Four Horsemen before they tear your relationship apart. Just remember, a relationship is about working together, and if you both put in the effort, it can get stronger, not weaker. So, take care of each other and keep talking. That’s the best way to fight off the Four Horsemen!
Tags：[Four Horsemen, Relationship Problems, Marriage Advice, Gottman, Communication in Relationships, Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling]
