Okay, so things with my spouse had been feeling… off for a while. It wasn’t one big thing, but a bunch of small things that piled up. Like, we used to talk for hours, and suddenly we were just going through the motions. I started feeling more like roommates than partners. It sucked, big time.
So, I decided I needed to do something. I couldn’t just let our relationship wither away without a fight. Here’s what I did:
Step 1: Admitting It (To Myself)
This was the hardest part. I had to actually acknowledge that I wasn’t feeling the love like I used to. For weeks, I’d been making excuses: “We’re just busy,” “It’s a phase,” “Everyone goes through this.” But deep down, I knew it was more than that. Admitting it, even just to myself, was like opening a floodgate. It was scary, but necessary.
Step 2: Talking About It (Brace Yourself)
This was terrifying. Seriously, my hands were shaking. I sat my spouse down and basically said, “Hey, I feel like we’ve been drifting apart, and I’m not happy.” I tried to be as gentle as possible, focusing on “I” statements (“I feel,” “I need”) instead of blaming. I tried to avoid sentences that started with “you always” and “you never”.
- I listed out things before with bullet points of what I was feeling, and then burned the paper after, it was just for me to get the feelings organized.
- I picked a time when we were both relaxed and not rushed, and put the cell phones away.
Step 3: Actually Listening
After I said my piece, I really, truly listened to what my spouse had to say. It wasn’t easy. There were some things I didn’t want to hear, and some things that were hard to understand. But I made a conscious effort to keep an open mind and see things from their perspective.
We talked for hours, and yeah, there were some tears. But it was honest, and that was a start.
Step 4: Seeking Help (No Shame in That)
We realized pretty quickly that we needed some outside help. Talking was good, but we needed tools and strategies to actually fix things. So, we looked for a therapist. Someone to help us communicate and understand each other better. It wasn’t immediate magic, but after a while, those sessions started feeling like a lifeline.
Step 5: Making an Effort (Every. Single. Day.)
This is the ongoing part. We started small. We scheduled date nights, even if it was just takeout and a movie at home. We made an effort to say “I love you” more, and actually mean it. We started holding hands again. Little things, but they added up.
- We tried to set aside 15 minutes, at a minimum, to just talk with each other every day.
- We started asking questions like “what made you smile today?”, or “what can I do to help you today?”, just some things that popped in my head while listening to a podcast on relationships.
Step 6: Re-Discovering Each Other
We started trying new things together. We went hiking, took a cooking class, even tried a silly dance class (which was hilarious, by the way). It was about creating new memories and finding new ways to connect. It was about reminding ourselves why we fell in love in the first place.
The Result? It’s a work in progress. I’m not going to lie and say everything is perfect now. But, we’re talking more, we’re laughing more, and we’re definitely feeling more. It’s like we’re slowly, carefully, rebuilding something that had started to crumble. And that, in itself, feels like a huge win. The spark isn’t fully back, but I can see it flickering, and that gives me hope.
