Well, let me tell you about somethin’ they call the “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. Sounds fancy, huh? But it ain’t nothin’ good, I’ll tell ya that much. It’s about how folks treat each other, specially when they’re hitched or supposed to be close.
First off, there’s this thing called Criticism. Now, look, everybody gripes a bit now and then, but this here is different. This ain’t just sayin’ “Honey, you forgot to take out the trash.” Naw, this is like, “You always forget things! You’re so lazy and useless!” See the difference? It’s like you’re attackin’ the whole person, not just somethin’ they did. It’s mean, plain and simple. And lemme tell ya, nobody likes bein’ told they’re no good. It just makes folks wanna shut down or fight back. So, easy on the tongue, folks. Think before you speak, like my mama always said.
- Think before you open your mouth.
- Speak kindly or don’t speak at all.
Then comes Defensiveness. This is when you get all riled up and start makin’ excuses instead of listenin’. Like, if your man says, “Hey, we need to talk about the bills,” and you jump in with, “Well, you bought that fancy new fishing rod last week!” See? Instead of talkin’ it out, you’re just throwin’ it back in his face. It’s like buildin’ a wall between ya. Nobody wants to talk to a brick wall, right? It just makes things worse. You gotta learn to listen, even if it ain’t easy. Swallow your pride and try to understand what the other fella’s sayin’.
Now, the third horseman, this one’s a real nasty one: Contempt. This is when you start lookin’ down on your partner, treatin’ them like they’re dirt. It’s like you’re sneerin’ at ‘em, rollin’ your eyes, makin’ fun of ‘em. You might be callin’ ‘em names, too, or sayin’ things to make ‘em feel small. That kinda stuff eats away at a person’s soul, lemme tell ya. It’s disrespectful and hurtful, and it shows a real lack of love and appreciation. If you catch yourself doin’ that, you gotta stop right then and there. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Remember, you chose to be with this person, so treat ‘em with some respect.
And lastly, there’s Stonewalling. This is when you just shut down completely. You refuse to talk, you don’t make eye contact, you might even walk away. It’s like you’re buildin’ a fortress around yourself and leavin’ your partner out in the cold. Now, sometimes folks need a minute to cool off, that’s understandable. But stonewalling is different. It’s a way of punishin’ your partner, of avoidin’ the problem altogether. And let me tell ya, avoidin’ problems don’t make ’em go away. It just makes ’em fester and grow bigger, like a weed in the garden. You gotta face things head-on, even if it’s uncomfortable.
So, there you have it. The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, relationship style. They ain’t pretty, but they’re real. And if you let them ride roughshod over your relationship, it ain’t gonna last. You gotta fight ‘em off, one by one. Learn to communicate kindly, listen to each other, treat each other with respect, and face your problems together. It ain’t always easy, but it’s worth it. A good relationship is like a good garden – you gotta tend to it every day, water it, pull out the weeds, and give it plenty of sunshine. And if you do that, it’ll blossom and grow into somethin’ beautiful.
Remember, nobody’s perfect. We all mess up sometimes. But if you’re willing to work at it, and if you keep these horsemen at bay, you can have a long and happy relationship. Just treat each other the way you wanna be treated, that’s the golden rule, ain’t it?
Tags: [Relationships, Communication, Gottman, Marriage, Conflict, Advice, Psychology]
