Okay, so, I’ve been digging into this thing called the “Four Horsemen” in relationships, and let me tell you, it’s been a wild ride. This whole idea comes from a guy named John Gottman, who’s basically a relationship guru. He figured out that there are four main behaviors that can really mess up a relationship, even predict its doom with some crazy accuracy, like 93% or something.
I decided to start observing my own relationships, both romantic and platonic, because I wanted to see this stuff in action. I grabbed a notebook and started jotting down whenever I noticed these “horsemen” showing up. It was kind of awkward at first, like I was some kind of spy or something, but I got used to it.
The First Horseman: Criticism
The first one is criticism. Now, criticism isn’t just saying what you don’t like, it’s when you start attacking your partner’s character. I noticed I did this a few times with my roommate when they left dishes in the sink. Instead of saying, “Hey, could you wash your dishes?”, I’d say something like, “You’re so lazy, you never clean up after yourself.” Yikes, right?
After realizing that, I practiced using “I” statements. I would say,”I feel frustrated when I see dirty dishes in the sink because I need to use them to cook.” I tried to do this when I noticed myself doing it, and documented the whole process in my notebook.
The Second Horseman: Contempt
Then there’s contempt, which is like, on a whole other level. It’s basically being mean, disrespectful, and mocking. I saw this one pop up during a fight with a friend. We were arguing about something stupid, and I started rolling my eyes and mimicking them. Not cool. It was hard to admit, but I could see how damaging that could be.
I realized that the behavior of contempt often comes from a deeper place of long-standing resentment. So, I started to keep track of my feelings in a journal and tried to express my feelings to my friend earlier before they accumulated to contempt.
The Third Horseman: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is another big one. It’s basically when you deflect blame and play the victim. I’m pretty sure I’ve done this a million times. Like, when my partner would point out that I was being distant, I’d fire back with, “Well, you’re always on your phone!” Not exactly productive.
It took some effort, but I learned to take responsibility for my actions. I would try to listen to what my partner had to say first. I also tried to restate my partner’s words to ensure I understood their complaint, and responded after I cooled down, instead of reacting at once.
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
And finally, there’s stonewalling, which is just shutting down and withdrawing from the interaction. I caught my brother doing this during an argument with his girlfriend. He just completely stopped talking and walked away. It was like talking to a brick wall, and I could see how frustrating it was for her.
I know that sometimes we need to take a break from the conversation to calm down. After realizing that stonewalling is not going to help resolve conflict in a relationship, I tried to let my partner know that I needed a break and come back later when I was ready to talk.
It took some time, but I started to see improvements in my communication. I started actively listening to my partner and friends when they were talking. I also make an effort to use “I” statements to express my feelings. When I felt upset, I tried to calm down before responding. I started to see a change in my relationships. They felt more open, honest, and respectful. I tried to use the antidotes, as Gottman suggested, like using a gentle start-up instead of criticism. It wasn’t easy, but it was definitely worth it.
So yeah, this whole “Four Horsemen” thing has been a real eye-opener for me. It’s like having a secret code to understand why relationships sometimes go wrong. And the best part is, once you know about these behaviors, you can actually do something about them. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort.
