Well now, let me tell ya, there’s this thing they call “bids for connection” – sounds fancy, don’t it? But don’t worry, I’ll explain it so even the hens in the yard can understand. See, it’s all about how folks, especially couples, try to reach out to each other. When one person wants to talk, share something, or just get their partner’s attention, that’s a “bid” for connection. Could be as simple as showing somethin’ funny on your phone, or just saying “Hey, look at this!” It’s all those little ways we try to stay connected with each other, like how you’d call your neighbor over for a cuppa tea just to chat about the weather or how your tomatoes are doin’ this year.
Now, let me tell you, this idea comes from some smart folks, John and Julie Gottman. They’ve been studyin’ relationships for years. They’re the ones behind all this research and the “Gottman Method” that helps folks understand how to keep their marriages strong and healthy. They’ve been married for a long time themselves, more than 35 years, so they know a thing or two about how to make a relationship last. You see, they say that every time we try to connect, we make a “bid,” and how our partner responds to that bid is what keeps things going in the right direction, or not.
Now, there’s three ways a partner can respond to these bids for connection, and you’ve got to pay attention to these, or things can get a little messy. First, there’s “turning towards.” This is the best way, the one you want to see happen most often. It means when your partner makes a bid, you acknowledge it, pay attention, and show interest. Like if you’re sitting there with your husband, and he says, “Hey, look at this funny video,” you laugh together, maybe even show him something back. That’s turning towards. You’re engaged, right there with him.
Then, there’s “turning away.” This is when your partner makes a bid, and you sort of ignore it. Maybe you’re busy, or you just don’t feel like responding. You don’t make a big deal about it, but you also don’t give them much of your attention. You might say something like, “Oh, that’s nice,” and go back to what you’re doing. It’s not mean, but it’s not exactly helpful either. You’re just not fully connecting, and that can wear on a relationship if it happens too much.
Last, but definitely the worst, is “turning against.” This is when your partner tries to make a bid, and instead of responding kindly, you get defensive or dismissive. You might even snap at ‘em. Like if they say, “Look at this funny picture,” and you say, “I’m too busy for that right now,” or worse, “Why do you always bother me with this stuff?” That’s turning against. It can really hurt the bond between you and your partner, and if it happens too often, well, it can lead to a whole mess of trouble.
So, you see, it’s all about how we respond to each other’s bids for connection. Dr. Gottman’s research says that when couples turn towards each other more than they turn away or against, they have stronger, happier relationships. It’s all about the little things – the daily check-ins, the small moments where you let your partner know you care. These bids, they’re like threads weaving a connection between you, and if you keep them strong, your bond stays strong too.
Now, don’t get me wrong, nobody’s perfect. Some days, you might turn away or even turn against without meaning to. We all do it from time to time, maybe when we’re tired or stressed out. But the key is to notice it, and then try to do better the next time. If you’re more aware of these bids and how you respond, you can build a better connection with your partner. It don’t have to be big things, just the little daily efforts that count.
There’s also some exercises that can help, like the ones Dr. Gottman talks about. For example, a good way to practice turning towards is to ask your partner, “What’s one thing that made you smile today?” or “Tell me something good that happened today.” It’s simple, but it’s a way to keep the conversation flowing, to show you care about what’s going on in their life. Little questions like that can help turn towards each other more often and keep your relationship strong.
So, whether you’re young or old, married or just dating, keep this in mind: every day you get little chances to connect. Every time you make a bid, think about how you can turn towards, and not away or against. If you do that, you’ll be on the right path to a happy, healthy relationship. And trust me, after all these years, I’ve learned it’s the small things that matter most.
Tags：[Gottman Method, bids for connection, relationship advice, emotional connection, turn towards, healthy relationships, couples communication, Dr. John Gottman, marriage tips, relationship research]
