Well, let me tell ya somethin’ ’bout relationships. They ain’t always sunshine and roses, that’s for sure. It’s like tryin’ to ride a wild horse sometimes – you gotta hold on tight and hope for the best. And there’s these things, these “four horsemen” they call ’em. Sounds scary, right? And they kinda are, if you let ’em get the best of ya.
First off, there’s this criticism thing. Now, nobody’s perfect, I get that. But some folks, they just love to pick, pick, pick. Always findin’ somethin’ wrong. “You didn’t do this right,” “Why you always gotta do that?” It’s like a little woodpecker peckin’ away at your head. Drives ya crazy, it does. And it ain’t helpful, not one bit.
- Makes you feel small, like you ain’t good enough.
- Puts you on the defensive.
- Makes it hard to talk things out.
Then comes the defensiveness. You know, when you try to explain yourself, but it just comes out all wrong. You get all riled up, feelin’ like you gotta protect yourself. “Well, I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t done this!” It’s like buildin’ a wall between you and the other person. Nobody’s listenin’, everybody’s just yellin’. It’s a mess, I tell ya. You end up arguin’ about who’s right instead of fixin’ the problem.
And then there’s contempt. Oh, that’s a bad one. That’s when you start lookin’ down on the other person, like they’re beneath you. You sneer, you roll your eyes, you talk down to ’em. It’s like poison, seepin’ into your heart. You start forgettin’ all the good things about ’em, only seein’ the bad. And that, my friend, that’ll kill a relationship faster than a bolt of lightnin’. I seen it happen, more times than I care to remember. It’s like a disease, eating away at everything good.
Contempt is the worst of the bunch. It’s like you don’t even see the other person as a human being anymore. It’s pure disrespect, plain and simple. And once that contempt sets in, it’s hard to get rid of it. It’s like a stain that just won’t come out.
Finally, there’s stonewalling. That’s when you just shut down. You clam up, refuse to talk, build a wall around yourself. It’s like you’re tryin’ to disappear. Maybe you think it’s easier than fightin’, but it ain’t. It just makes things worse. Leaves the other person feelin’ alone and helpless. Like talkin’ to a brick wall, it is. They’re tryin’ to reach you, but you’re just… gone.
So, what do ya do about these horsemen? Well, you gotta fight ’em, that’s what. You gotta learn to talk to each other, really listen to what the other person’s sayin’. Not just waitin’ for your turn to talk, but actually hearin’ ’em. And you gotta be willin’ to forgive, to let go of the little things. Nobody’s perfect, remember?
And you gotta remember the good times, the things that brought you together in the first place. Focus on those, instead of always lookin’ for what’s wrong. It ain’t easy, I know. But relationships take work. Like plantin’ a garden – you gotta water it, weed it, give it sunshine, if you want it to grow. And you gotta be patient, ’cause sometimes it takes time. And remember, show a little kindness. It goes a long way, you know? A little “thank you,” a little “I appreciate you,” can make all the difference.
If you see them horsemen comin’, stop ‘em in their tracks. Don’t let ‘em ruin what you got. ‘Cause a good relationship, that’s somethin’ precious. Worth fightin’ for, it is. It ain’t always easy, but it sure is worth it. You ain’t gotta let these “horsemen” run your life or ruin your relationships. You got the power to change things, to make things better.
Tags: [relationships, communication, conflict, marriage, advice, Gottman, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling]
