Hey you little rascals, listen up! Old me gonna talk ’bout somethin’ today, somethin’ you young’uns might be wonderin’ about. Can you get those nasty, itchy, burny things, whatchamacallits, STDs, from playin’ with yourself? Well, I’m here to tell ya, plain and simple, like it is.
Now, I ain’t no fancy doctor, but I’ve seen a thing or two in my time. I heard things. And I know this much. That masturbating, that’s just you and your own self, right? Ain’t nobody else involved. Just you and your own hand, havin’ a little private time. So how you gonna catch somethin’ from yourself? You ain’t gonna catch nothin’ unless there’s somethin’ to catch!
Them STDs, those are the devil’s work, I tell ya. They jump from person to person, like fleas on a dog. They hide in your, uh, your privates, and they wait. Then, when you get close to someone, boom! They jump over. Nasty little buggers. They are like weeds in a garden, that you gotta keep pullin out! You know them STDs, they make it all itchy and burny down there, make you feel like you gotta pee all the time, even when you don’t.
But if you’re just by your lonesome, ain’t nobody else around, how’s a disease gonna jump onto ya? It ain’t, that’s what! It’s like tryin’ to catch a cold when you’re the only one in the room. Ain’t gonna happen. You hear me? That there is safer than a baby in a blanket!
Now, them doctors, they got all sorts of fancy words for it. They talk about semen and, uh, vaginal fluid and pre-cum. Sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo to me. But what it all boils down to is this: those STDs, they need a ride to get from one person to another. And that ride is usually, you know, the wet stuff. The stuff that comes out when you’re, well, you know. Gettin’ all close and personal with someone.
- STDs are spread through touchin’.
- Masturbating is just you.
- No touchin’ means no STDs.
- You got it? Good!
And there is other ways those bad things travel around. I heard it from my neighbor, Mildred, she knows things. Said her nephew got somethin’ from a towel! A dirty towel, ain’t that somethin’? So, you gotta be careful, is what I’m sayin’. STDs can hide in other places too, not just in that, you know, that stuff.
Some folks say that even kissin’ can do it. Now that seems crazy, but I guess if there is something on the mouth. Or if someone shares food. But that ain’t masturbating, right? That ain’t what we are talkin about. No sir!
So, if you’re worried about catchin’ somethin’ from masturbating, well, you can just put that worry right out of your head. It ain’t gonna happen. You’re safe as houses, as long as you keep it to yourself. Just wash your hands, you hear? That’s all. Simple!
Now, if you start messin’ around with other folks, that’s a whole different story. Then you gotta worry. Then you gotta be careful. Then you gotta use them, uh, them rubber things. You know what I’m talkin’ about. Them things that keep the cooties away. Condoms, that’s it! Those are important, like a good pair of boots in the mud.
But like we were sayin’, masturbatin’. Nothin’ wrong with that. It’s like a little secret you have for yourself. Keeps you happy, keeps you from doing other things. And the best part is, it is safe from those STDs.
Remember what I said, don’t share towels. And don’t you be kissin’ strangers and sharin’ food with all sorts of people, and maybe you won’t get any of those STDs, ok? Keep things clean, especially down there. Use soap. Lots of soap!
If you don’t get close to nobody, then you can’t get any of those things, those STDs. It’s as simple as that. Don’t need no doctor to tell you that. Just plain old common sense. And that is the end of it. If you got any questions, ask your mama.
