Alright, let’s talk about figuring out what you actually need in a relationship. I went through this myself not too long ago. It wasn’t like one big ‘aha!’ moment, more like a slow burn realization that I wasn’t really sure what my non-negotiables were, you know? Things felt okay, but sometimes also a bit… off. And I couldn’t put my finger on why.
My Process – How I Dug In
So, I decided to actually figure it out. Wasn’t very scientific, mind you. I grabbed a notebook, the kind I use for random thoughts, and just started writing. Seriously, just writing. I thought back to past relationships, good bits and bad bits. What made me feel really connected? What made me feel distant or kinda crummy?
I didn’t filter it much at first. Just dumped whatever came to mind. Like, remembering that time someone really listened, versus that other time I felt totally ignored. Or thinking about how important laughing together was, or maybe how much I hated constant arguing about small stuff. It felt a bit like sorting through a messy closet, pulling everything out before you can see what you actually have.
I spent a few evenings doing this, just reflecting. Sometimes I’d just stare at the page. Other times, stuff poured out. I wasn’t trying to make a perfect list right away, just getting the raw material down.
Seeing the Patterns
After a while, I started looking over my notes. Patterns started showing up. Certain feelings, certain situations kept repeating. That’s when I started grouping things. It wasn’t about blaming anyone from the past, more about understanding myself. What were the core things that consistently made me feel good, supported, and understood? And what consistently didn’t?
It boiled down to a few key areas for me. Yours might be different, obviously, but this is what came out for me:
- Honest Communication: Like, really being able to say what’s on my mind, even the awkward stuff, without feeling like it’ll cause a huge fight or get dismissed. And listening too, obviously.
- Mutual Respect: This sounds basic, but it’s huge. Respecting my opinions, my time, my boundaries. And me doing the same back. Feeling like an equal partner.
- Shared Humor & Fun: Life’s tough sometimes. Being able to laugh together, be silly, and genuinely enjoy spending time doing simple things felt really important when I looked back.
- Support & Encouragement: Knowing someone’s got your back. Celebrating the wins, offering comfort during the lows. Not trying to ‘fix’ everything, but just being there.
- Affection & Intimacy: Both physical and emotional closeness. Feeling wanted, feeling connected on that deeper level.
- Independence & Space: This was a big one I realised. Needing my own time, my own friends, my own interests without making the other person feel insecure or neglected. Having that balance.
What I Do With This Now
So, I have this understanding now. It’s not like a checklist I whip out on dates or anything! It’s more like an internal compass. When I’m in relationship situations, or even meeting new people, I have a better sense of what feels right for me. It helps me understand my own reactions better. If I’m feeling weird about something, I can check in with myself – is one of my core needs not being met?
It also helps me communicate better. Instead of just saying “I’m unhappy,” I might be able to pinpoint why. Like, “Hey, I feel like we haven’t had much fun together lately, could we plan something?” It gives me clearer language based on what I know I need.
It wasn’t a one-time thing either. I kinda revisit this mentally sometimes. Needs can change a bit over time, right? But going through that process of digging deep and writing it all down was super helpful. It made things much clearer in my own head, and honestly, it’s made navigating relationships feel a bit less confusing.
