Okay, so I’ve been diving deep into this whole “stonewalling” thing lately, and man, it’s been a journey. I realized I’ve been doing it way more than I thought, and it all clicked when I connected it to my past trauma. So, here is how I figuring this out.
Recognizing the Pattern
First, I had to actually see what I was doing. It wasn’t easy. I started by noticing when I’d just shut down in conversations, especially with my partner. Like, we’d be talking, things would get a little heated, and boom – I’m a brick wall. No words, no expression, just…gone.
- Started journaling:I grabbed a notebook and started jotting down every time I felt that “shutdown” feeling. What triggered it? What was I feeling right before?
- Observed my body: I paid attention to the physical sensations. Was my heart racing? Did I feel tense? Clenched jaw? Turns out, yeah, all of the above.
Connecting it to Trauma
Connecting it to Trauma
This was the tough part. I had to be brutally honest with myself. Where did this even come from? I realized that in my childhood, anytime things got emotionally intense, my safest bet was to just disappear, go silent. It was a way to protect myself.
- Therapy helped: I’ve been seeing a therapist (highly recommend!), and we talked through some of those early experiences. It was rough, but it helped me connect the dots.
- Did research: I googled the heck out of “stonewalling,” “trauma responses,” and “childhood emotional neglect.” Learned a lot about how our brains get wired to react to stress.
Breaking the Cycle (Slowly)
Okay, so knowing why I do it is one thing, but stopping is a whole other beast. It’s a work in progress, for sure, but here’s what I’m trying:
- Communicating (even when it’s hard): I told my partner what I was learning about myself. It was scary, but having them understand made a huge difference.
- Taking breaks: When I feel that shutdown coming, I now try to say, “Hey, I need a few minutes to cool down.” Sometimes I just go for a walk or do some deep breathing.
- Practicing self-compassion: This is huge. Instead of beating myself up for stonewalling, I try to remind myself that it’s an old coping mechanism, and I’m learning a new way.
- Rewriting internal narratives: I used to think of that if someone wants to keep talking with me, I have no other choice to keep up with them. I am now starting to learn the new thought, such as it’s okay to take a break.
It’s not perfect, and I still mess up, but I’m definitely making progress. It’s like I’m slowly rewiring my brain. The biggest thing is that I’m not just reacting anymore; I’m starting to choose how I respond. And that feels pretty damn good.
