Felt something was off last winter when my partner kept asking about date nights and I’d suddenly need to reorganize the spice rack. Again. Started noticing I’d flinch when they touched my shoulder. Like my body was yelling “NOPE” before my brain caught up.
How it all kicked off
Woke up one Tuesday after another “not tonight, headache” excuse and thought: this ain’t just headaches. My whole chest got tight scrolling through IG reels of couples all smiley in bed. Felt like a fraud biting my nails at 2AM.
Noticed three big things wrecking my vibe:
- My brain playing horror movies of past screw-ups whenever things got close
- Exhaustion hitting like a truck even after 10 hours sleep
- Getting annoyed at stupid crap like how they CHEWED TOO LOUD
The breaking point
Remember sitting on the bathroom floor crying because my toothbrush was blue and theirs was green and why does everything feel so damn heavy? Texted my sister “think I broke my sexy” at 3am. She sent back: “Googled ‘sex feels like chore’. Call this number tomorrow.”
Dialed a therapy office next morning pretending to ask about parking. Voice shaking like a leaf. Lady therapist goes “honey, you’re the third call today just like this.”
What actually helped
No magic fixes. Still working on it. But here’s the real talk:
- Therapy wasn’t laying on a couch – it was yelling into tissues about mom’s terrible relationships
- Doctor checked my blood and went “your hormones look like a bombed-out city”
- Me and partner started playing cards instead of trying to “perform”
Biggest shock? When I stopped forcing “shoulds”, I actually wanted to hold hands first. Progress smells like sweatpants and microwave popcorn now, not candles and fancy expectations.
Why I’m writing this messy diary
Got shamed by my gym buddy last month when I said therapy helped. He laughed like I told a fart joke. Screw that noise. If your engine light’s on, you check under the damn hood. Doesn’t matter if it’s sex or your transmission.
