Alright, let’s talk about couples therapy. It’s something my wife and I actually went through a few years back when things got rocky. We weren’t sure what to expect, but we knew we had to do something.
We started looking around, found someone recommended by a friend. Making that first call was tough, felt like admitting defeat almost. But we went.
So, what were we trying to achieve?
Honestly, at the start, it was just about stopping the constant fighting. That felt like the biggest thing. We’d get stuck in these loops, saying the same hurtful stuff over and over.
So, one major goal for us, right from the get-go, was this:
- Learn to communicate better. Sounds simple, right? But it wasn’t. We needed to figure out how to talk about difficult things without yelling or shutting down. How to actually listen, not just wait for our turn to talk.
Then, tied into that, was figuring out how to handle disagreements. We weren’t looking to never disagree again – that’s impossible. But we desperately needed ways to argue without it turning into a three-day silent treatment affair.
So, another goal was:
- Find healthier ways to resolve conflict. Like, actually solve the problem, or at least understand the other person’s side, instead of just trying to ‘win’ the argument.
As we got into it, other things came up. We realized we’d kind of lost touch, become more like roommates managing schedules than partners.
So, rebuilding that connection became important too:
- Increase understanding and empathy. Trying to see things from her perspective, and her seeing things from mine. That was huge.
- Strengthen our bond. Remembering why we got together in the first place and finding ways to feel close again.
How it went down
The therapist didn’t just wave a magic wand. It was work. We had sessions where we talked, sometimes argued (but the therapist helped keep it on track). We got ‘homework’ – things to practice during the week, like specific ways to start conversations or techniques to use when we felt angry.
It wasn’t about blaming one person. That was made clear early on. It was about looking at the pattern between us, how we both contributed to the problems, and how we could both change things.
We learned to identify our triggers, those things the other person did that instantly set us off. We practiced expressing needs instead of complaints. Like saying “I feel lonely when you work late” instead of “You never spend time with me!” Big difference.
Did it fix everything overnight? No. But did we achieve those goals? Mostly, yeah. We definitely learned to communicate better, fight fairer, and understand each other more. It gave us tools we still use today when things get a bit tense. It was about changing the dance we were doing, not necessarily changing who we were as individuals, but how we interacted as a couple.
