My Little Exploration into the Past
You ever feel like you’re just… going through the motions? Like, who even am I these days? That thought hit me pretty hard a few weeks back. I was just staring at my coffee, and it was like, ‘Is this it? Is this adulting?’ It wasn’t a sad thing, more like a ‘huh?’ moment. And it got me thinking, maybe the answers, or at least some clues, weren’t in the future, but way back.
So, I decided to do a bit of an experiment, a dive into my own ‘childhood self meaning’ project, if you wanna call it that. Sounds a bit grand, I know. It wasn’t some therapy session, just me, myself, and I, trying to reconnect with the little critter I used to be. I figured, that kiddo must have known some stuff, right? Before all the layers of ‘shoulds’ and ‘have-tos’ piled on.
The Actual Digging Process – What I Did
Alright, so how did I even start this? It wasn’t like I could just google ‘my childhood.’ First, I told myself, no pressure. This isn’t for a grade. The main goal was just to remember, to feel.
My first move was pretty basic: I dug out old stuff. You know, the dusty boxes in the attic, or the back of the closet. Here’s what I went through:
- Old photos: Man, the haircuts! And the clothes, wow. But I looked at my face – was I genuinely smiling? What was going on in that picture?
- School report cards: Not just the grades, but the teacher comments. “Daydreams a lot.” Guilty as charged, still am!
- Old toys or books: I don’t have many left, but I tried to remember the ones I loved. What stories did I get lost in? What games did I play for hours?
Then, I just sat quietly and tried to remember feelings. Not big events, but small things. The smell of my grandma’s kitchen. The feeling of grass under my bare feet. What music was playing in the house? It was like trying to tune an old radio, lots of static at first, then little bits would come through.
And here’s a key part, I didn’t just focus on the good stuff. That’s a trap, I think. I made myself remember the times I felt scared, or lonely, or misunderstood. Not to wallow in it, but because that’s part of the picture too. What were my childhood fears? What made me clam up or get upset? This part was kinda tough, not gonna lie. Some of it was cringey, some of it a bit sad. But I figured, it’s all part of the ingredients that made current-me.
What I Uncovered (Or Re-discovered)
So, after all this rummaging around in my own head and old boxes, what did I find? No magic bullet, no sudden enlightenment that changed my life overnight. It wasn’t like that. It was more like finding a few missing puzzle pieces. Or maybe finding the picture on the puzzle box lid after fumbling around for ages.
I realized that a lot of my core interests, the things that genuinely light me up even now, they were there from the start. That little kid was already into storytelling, or building things, or being outdoors. Stuff I’d kinda forgotten about, or told myself wasn’t ‘productive’ enough as an adult. It was like getting permission from my younger self to enjoy those things again.
I also saw how some of my current anxieties or ways I react to stress have roots way back. Not in a ‘blame my childhood’ way, but more like, ‘Ah, so that’s why I do that.’ Understanding the ‘why’ behind some of my quirks made them feel less like faults and more like… well, just parts of my story. It’s like knowing why your old car makes a funny noise – you might not be able to fix it completely, but at least you understand it, and it’s less alarming.
The biggest thing, I guess, was this feeling of connection. Like that little kid version of me wasn’t some stranger, but an essential part of who I am right now. And that the ‘meaning’ wasn’t something I had to invent from scratch, but something I could uncover and build upon from what was already there.
It’s not like I’m suddenly a completely different person. But I feel a bit more… whole? A bit more grounded. And definitely more patient with myself. It’s an ongoing thing, this getting-to-know-yourself business. But spending some time with my childhood self? Yeah, that was worth it. Definitely made me think. Maybe you’ll find something interesting if you try it too. Just saying.
