That Morning Brew Struggle
I woke up thinking about how I still freeze during tough conversations sometimes. You know that feeling? Like when your boss asks a tricky question or your partner brings up something sensitive. My stomach just knots up. Remembered how folks always praised me as the ‘easy kid’ growing up. Maybe too easy, huh? Decided to dig deeper.
The Old Notebook Dig
Pulled out my old journals from the dusty box under the bed. Coffee in hand, started flipping through pages from high school, college… even found some from middle school. Noticed a pattern in my scrawls. Kept seeing stuff like:
- “Dad shouted again at dinner. Pretended I didn’t hear. Ate faster.”
- “Mom looked sad when I argued with sis. Said sorry immediately.”
- “Felt angry but nodded when Uncle said my career choice was dumb.”
Realization hit hard: I trained myself young to swallow feelings to keep things “calm.” Avoiding conflict felt like survival. Boom. That explained why facing disagreements as an adult felt like staring down a loaded gun.
Facing My Own Kid
Next evening, my 8-year-old slammed his door because I said no to extra screen time. Old me would have barged in demanding respect. Or worse, just let him have the tablet to avoid the tantrum. Felt that familiar panic rising. But I paused. Leaned against the door instead of opening it.
I said through the door: “I hear you’re really mad. I get it. When I calm down we can talk about why.” Just admitting I wasn’t calm felt weird! He didn’t magically open up, but later at dinner, he muttered “Sorry for the door thing.” Baby steps.
Testing Tiny Changes
The whole week became this awkward experiment. Tried things with my kid, even called my folks asking about how arguments happened when I was small (awkward silence at first!). Here’s what started feeling different:
- Name the feeling out loud: Told my partner “This chat feels tense. I need a sec.” Instead of ghosting.
Ask the WHY: When my kid argued about bedtime, instead of “Because I said so!” I asked “What’s so good about staying up?” Got an honest answer about fear of nightmares.
Allowed the messy middle: Didn’t jump in to fix disagreements between kids immediately. Just supervised, let them yell a bit, then stepped in when fists were close to flying.
Why It Actually Sorta Worked
It wasn’t about becoming some conflict-loving maniac. Just about not treating every disagreement like a grenade. The big shift? Realizing my childhood “peacekeeping” actually taught me fear. To help a kid NOT get that fear? They need practice. Safe practice. Seeing me stay calm-ish, not punish every angry word, ask questions instead of shutting things down… it felt backwards at first. Like letting chaos in. But slowly? The tension around arguing started shrinking. In me, and kinda in them too. Still awkward? Oh yeah. But less terrifying.
