So, this whole ‘boundary’ versus ‘control’ thing. For ages, I just heard those words, you know? People would say “you gotta set boundaries” or “that person is so controlling.” Sounded simple. Turns out, not so much, at least not when you’re in the thick of it.
My Big Mess-Up Project
I remember this one project, a few years back. We were building this new system, pretty exciting stuff. I was pumped. I had my little piece of it, my module, my responsibility. Or so I thought.
There was this senior guy on the team. Let’s call him Mark. Super smart, knew his stuff. But man, Mark had this way of just… taking over. Not in a shouty way, more like a slow creep. He’d “suggest” things for my module. Then his suggestions became “strong recommendations.” Then he’d just kinda tweak my code when I wasn’t looking, “optimizing” it, he’d say.
At first, I was like, “Okay, he knows better.” But then it got to a point where I didn’t even feel like it was my work anymore. I’d come in, and things would be different. My carefully planned logic? Changed. My approach? “Refactored.” It was maddening. I felt like I was just a pair of hands typing what Mark decided.
My reaction? Not great. I got defensive. I started trying to hide my work until it was “perfect” so he couldn’t pick it apart. Which, of course, just made things worse. I was trying to control his access to my stuff. See the problem? I was fighting control with more control. It was a total mess. Team morale, especially mine, was in the toilet.
The Lightbulb Moment (Finally!)
I was complaining to a friend outside of work, just venting, you know? And she said something like, “Sounds like you need to tell him where your sandbox ends and his begins.” A sandbox! That clicked.
It hit me. I wasn’t trying to control Mark. I just needed my own damn sandbox to play in. I needed to define my area, my responsibilities, and protect them. Not by building walls, but by drawing a clear line in the sand.
So, the next day, I took a deep breath. I had a chat with Mark. It was awkward. Super awkward. I basically said, “Hey Mark, I really appreciate your input, and I’m learning a lot. But for this module, I need to be able to own it, make my own mistakes, and figure things out. Can we agree that I’ll run my ideas by you, but the actual coding and decisions for this part need to be mine?”
I was expecting him to blow up or laugh. He just kinda looked at me for a second. Then he said, “Okay. Fair enough.” Just like that!
What I Learned (The Hard Way)
Turns out, he wasn’t trying to be a jerk (mostly). He was just used to being the go-to guy and probably didn’t realize how much he was stepping on my toes. My trying to control him was useless. But setting a boundary? That actually worked.
- Control is about making others do what you want. It’s about power over them.
- Boundary is about what you will or won’t do, or what you’ll accept in your space. It’s about self-respect and clarity.
That project still had its ups and downs. But my part of it? It got way better. I actually felt like I could work. I made mistakes, sure, but they were my mistakes to learn from.
Since then, I’ve gotten a lot better at spotting this stuff. It’s not always easy, and sometimes you still have to have those awkward conversations. But understanding that difference between trying to control someone else and just clearly stating your own boundaries? Man, that’s been a game changer. It’s less about fighting and more about just saying, “This is me, this is my space, and this is how I operate.” Way less drama, let me tell you.
