Okay so lemme be straight with ya – Trojan kept bragging about their condoms being “ultra reliable” in ads. But my dumb ass got trust issues. So I grabbed a 12-pack from Walgreens and wasted a whole Saturday testing this shit.
Test 1: The Water Balloon Stretch
Smashed two beers first cause hell no I ain’t touching my junk for science sober. Took one Trojan outta the wrapper – smelled like a cheap pool float honestly. Rolled it onto the kitchen faucet like I was dressing a tiny fire hydrant. Turned water on slow… then full blast. Puffed up like a dead fish belly.
- Held for like 45 seconds solid
- Then POP! right by the tip – soaked my microwave
- Verdict: Failed over pressure test? But who uses faucet pressure anyway wtf
Test 2: The Keychain Tug-of-War
Dug out a car key and shoved it inside a new condom. Made my roommate pull one end while I hung onto the keyring like a goddamn rodeo.
- Rubber stretched freaky far – thinner than those plastic grocery bags
- Held shape even when key was poking sideways
- But… key tore through eventually like it was dollar store cling wrap
Got grease stains on my hands too. Zero outta ten for dignity.
Test 3: The Toothpick Perforation Test
Figured let’s simulate fake bad handling. JAB! Stabbed one straight through the middle with a toothpick. Then squeezed lube through the hole – leaked like a busted garden hose.
Obvious takeaway: If you stab holes in it on purpose – yes it leaks. Shocking! My genius self deserves a Nobel.
Test 4: The Double Stack Stress Test
Rolled one condom on a dang cucumber. Then rolled ANOTHER one over it. Called it “Trojan Fortress Mode”. Tried peeling ’em apart.
- Inner condom stayed tight on the cuke
- Outer one got all bunchy and weird
- Slipped off like a wet sock when I shook it
Total waste. Almost ripped both apart. Don’t do this unless you’re rich or stupid. Spoiler: I’m both.
Test 5: The Good Ol’ Fashioned Real Deal
Said “fuck science” and grabbed a test subject – my girlfriend. Actually used it normally without stupid faucets or cucumbers.
- Rolled on easy? Eh kinda sticky halfway
- Stayed on? Zero complaints
- Sensation? She said “stop overthinking it”
Epic truth bomb: They worked perfectly when used correctly. But my clown experiments proved jackshit about actual leaks.
Wasted 12 condoms to confirm common sense. Girlfriend now thinks I belong in therapy. Trojan’s fine apparently. My Saturday? Total crap. Still got water in my microwave vents though.
