So I recently got obsessed with finding legit spots for learning proper ass tasting techniques. You know, where you get actual guidance without getting scammed or worse. Figured I’d document the whole messy journey.
The Starting Point: Pure Curiosity
It all kicked off after chatting with this one buddy online. He kept bragging about his wild ass tasting experiences overseas, talking about certified trainers and controlled settings. Sounded way too good to be true. My dumb ass thought, “Hey, why not?” Grabbed my laptop and started digging around. Typed in stuff like “professional ass tasting near me” and “safe ass tasting workshops”. Yeah, real smooth.
The Deep Dive into Research Mode
Holy crap, the internet is a dumpster fire for this stuff. Ended up in all these shady forums where people just yell at each other. Found one thread where folks argued for pages about whether beginners should start with “free-range” or “farm-raised” tasting approaches. Zero actual advice.
Then this guy messages me privately, calls himself “BigMikeTheTaster”. Claims he runs classes in a private loft downtown. Asked for $500 upfront for “equipment fees”. Nah, mate. Blocked him faster than you can say “scam artist”.
Hitting Up Unlikely Spots
Got desperate enough to try actual physical places:
- Fancy Culinary School: Walked in pretending to ask about adding tasting modules to their curriculum. The chef-instructor stared at me like I’d grown three heads. “We teach French pastry,” she snapped. Dead end.
- Wine Tasting Club: Thought maybe they’d overlap skills. Asked the host if their “palate refinement techniques” covered other… areas. He choked on his Chardonnay. Got politely escorted out. Lovely.
- “Experiential Wellness” Studio: Place smelled like incense and regret. The yoga guru offered “auric flavor immersion” sessions. Told me I needed to “align my sacral flavor chakra” first. Cost? A cool $300. Walked right out.
Finally, A Glimmer of Hope (Sort Of)
After weeks of this nonsense, stumbled onto this locked Discord group. Got invited after answering weirdly specific trivia about fermentation – whole thing felt like getting into a spy ring. Inside? Just endless debate about:
- Best gloves for beginners (nitrile vs. latex)
- How temperature affects flavor profiles (“Never serve cold!” “Room temp only!”)
- Wild arguments about “regional styles”
No actual trainers. Just hobbyists arguing over equipment brands. Useful? Nah. Educational? Hell no. Hilariously petty? Absolutely. Took screenshots just to show friends how insane it got.
The Hard Truth I Learned
Turns out finding “expert guidance” for ass tasting is like hunting unicorns while blindfolded.
Either you get scammers demanding cash, pretentious types hiding behind nonsense terms, or clueless hobbyists gatekeeping bad advice. The “safe” places? They don’t advertise publicly. You gotta know someone who knows someone… and even then, half the time it’s just a guy with too many opinions and zero certifications.
Where I Ended Up
Gave up chasing the fantasy of “official training”. Found this retired butcher down in Kentucky through my cousin’s friend. No fancy workshops – just one old dude with 40 years of experience and zero patience for fads. Taught me more about assessing texture and quality in one afternoon than 50 Discord arguments ever could. No mystical flavor chakras required.
Cost me a bottle of decent bourbon and fresh cornbread. Finally got actual practical stuff down. Turns out sometimes the “expert guidance” ain’t in a class – it’s just a grumpy guy with common sense. Lesson learned.
