Okay, let me tell you about this whole “pursuer-withdrawer” thing I went through in my last relationship. It was a real mess, and honestly, it took me a while to even figure out what was going on.
The Start
At first, things were great, you know? We were super into each other, always wanting to spend time together. I guess you could say I was the one who was more eager to define things, talk about the future, all that stuff. I was totally into her. I initiated most of our dates, texted more often, and was always trying to get closer. But looking back, I started noticing a pattern.
The Cycle Begins
The more I tried to connect, the more she seemed to pull away. She’d become less responsive, cancel plans last minute, or just generally seem distant. It was like I was chasing her, and she was running. I remember feeling frustrated and confused, wondering what I was doing wrong. I’d try even harder to get her attention, which only seemed to make things worse. She’d shut down even more, and we’d end up in these awful fights where I felt like I was the only one trying.
Here’s how it usually went down:
- I’d do something to try and get closer, like plan a romantic date or open up about my feelings.
- She’d withdraw by being vague about plans, not returning my calls, or just acting cold.
- I’d feel hurt and confused, and I’d try even harder to get her to connect with me.
- She’d withdraw even further, sometimes even saying she needed “space”.
It was exhausting. We were stuck in this loop, and it felt like we were speaking different languages. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t just talk to me, and she probably felt suffocated by me.
Breaking the Cycle
Eventually, I realized that this wasn’t healthy. I couldn’t keep chasing someone who didn’t want to be caught. It was hurting me, and it clearly wasn’t working for her either. So, I decided to do something drastic: I stopped pursuing. I stopped initiating contact, stopped trying to make plans, and basically just gave her the space she seemed to want.
It was tough, I won’t lie. It went against every instinct I had. But you know what? It actually worked. When I backed off, she started to come closer. She started reaching out more, being more affectionate, and actually seemed to want to spend time with me. It was like the pressure was off, and she felt like she could relax.
The Realization
Now, I’m not saying this is a magic solution for every relationship. We ended up breaking up anyway, for other reasons. But going through this whole pursuer-withdrawer cycle taught me a lot about myself and about relationships. I realized that I have a tendency to be a bit of a pursuer, and that I need to be with someone who’s comfortable with that level of intensity. I also learned that communication is key. If I had been able to talk to her about what was going on, maybe things would have been different.
Anyway, that’s my story. It was a rough ride, but I came out of it a little wiser, I think. If you’re going through something similar, just remember that you’re not alone. And maybe try backing off a little. It might just surprise you.
