So, I got this idea the other day to really dig into something called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in psychology. Sounds dramatic, right? Well, it kind of is. I wanted to see how these things play out in real life, not just in books.
First, I spent a good chunk of time reading up on it. This whole concept comes from a relationship expert named John Gottman. He talks about these four behaviors that can totally wreck relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I made a bunch of notes, trying to really understand what each of these looked like.
- Criticism, I figured, is more than just complaining. It’s like attacking someone’s character.
- Contempt is just nasty – it’s about looking down on someone, being sarcastic, or even mocking them.
- Defensiveness, that’s a classic. It’s when you get all upset and play the victim instead of taking responsibility.
- Then there’s stonewalling, which is basically shutting down and refusing to engage.
After I felt like I had a good grasp on the theory, I started watching people around me. I mean, not in a creepy way, just paying attention to how people talk to each other – my friends, family, even folks at the coffee shop. And let me tell you, I started seeing these “horsemen” everywhere.
For example, I noticed how my friend’s tone would sometimes have that edge of contempt when she was talking to her boyfriend, and it made me think, “Whoa, there it is, that’s one of the horsemen.” And then there was that time when a couple of my buddies got into an argument. One of them got super defensive, and the other just shut down completely. It was like watching a textbook example of defensiveness and stonewalling.
Then, the tricky part. I decided to look at my own relationships. That was tough. I had to be really honest with myself and admit that, yeah, sometimes I do these things too. It’s not always easy to see your own flaws, you know? I started keeping a journal, just jotting down when I noticed myself or my partner falling into these patterns.
It’s been a few weeks now, and I’m still working on it. I’m trying to be more mindful of how I communicate, especially when I’m upset or stressed. I catch myself before criticizing someone and try to rephrase it. Instead of shutting down, I’m taking deep breaths and trying to stay engaged in the conversation, even when it’s uncomfortable.
It’s not like I’ve become a perfect communicator overnight. It’s a process. But recognizing these patterns – in myself and others – has been a real eye-opener. It’s like I’ve been given a new lens to look at relationships through. And I think, in the long run, it’s going to make my relationships stronger and healthier. I keep practicing this recently and hope it will really work.
