So, the other day, I stumbled upon this thing called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” by this guy, Dr. John Gottman. Sounds pretty intense, right? Turns out, it’s not about the end of the world, but it kinda is about the end of relationships. I got curious and decided to see if these “horsemen” were messing up my own relationship.
First, I started looking into what these horsemen even were. Gottman says they’re basically four communication habits that can really wreck a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I’ll be honest, it felt a bit like looking into a mirror and not liking what I saw.
Tracking the Horsemen
I started paying attention to how my partner and I talked to each other, especially during arguments. I made a little chart to keep track – yeah, I’m that person now. I used a simple tally system, nothing fancy. Each time one of us used one of the horsemen, I’d mark it down.
- Criticism: This was like attacking my partner’s character instead of just talking about the problem. Stuff like, “You always do this!” instead of “Hey, it bothered me when you did this.”
- Contempt: This one’s nasty. It’s basically being mean and disrespectful, like eye-rolling, sarcasm, or name-calling.
- Defensiveness: Instead of listening and trying to understand, it’s like putting up a wall and making excuses. “It’s not my fault because…” was a common one.
- Stonewalling: This is just shutting down and refusing to engage. It’s like giving the silent treatment.
The Ugly Truth
After a week of this, the results were, well, not great. Turns out, we were using these horsemen way more than I thought. Criticism was a big one for me. I realized I had a habit of attacking my partner’s personality instead of just focusing on the specific issue at hand. Defensiveness was also pretty high up there. We both had a tendency to deflect blame instead of taking responsibility.
Trying to Fix Things
Seeing it all laid out like that was a real wake-up call. I started trying to change how I communicated. Instead of criticizing, I tried to use “I” statements. Like, “I felt hurt when you did that” instead of “You’re so inconsiderate.”
For contempt, I just tried to be more mindful and respectful, even when I was angry. It’s tough, but it’s worth it. Instead of getting defensive, I tried to actually listen to what my partner was saying and acknowledge their feelings, even if I didn’t agree. And for stonewalling, well, I tried to stay in the conversation, even when I felt like running away. I explained my partner that we need to try new methods to communicate and he was very supportive, we will try to fix things together.
It’s been a few weeks now, and things are definitely improving. We still have our moments, of course, but we’re more aware of these destructive patterns now. It’s not easy to change these habits, but it’s definitely worth the effort. I mean, who wants their relationship to end because of some metaphorical horsemen, right? It’s an ongoing process, but I’m feeling hopeful. We’re communicating better, and that’s making a huge difference.
