Okay, here is my sharing about “4 horsemen of apocalypse marriage”.
Yesterday, my wife and I got into a stupid fight again. It started with something small, like it always does. She said I never listen to her, and I got defensive, saying she always complains. We kept throwing those harsh words at each other. Things got heated real quick, and then she just shut down, wouldn’t talk to me at all. It’s like hitting a brick wall. It felt hopeless, and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms.
This morning, I was still upset. But while I was reading my daily news, an article caught my eye. I usually don’t click on those things, but something told me to do it. So I clicked. It was talking about something called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in marriage. Sounds dramatic, right? It’s basically about four communication habits that can really mess up a relationship. These four things are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
I started to see my own bad habits.
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Criticism:This is when you attack your partner’s character instead of just talking about the specific problem. Like saying “You’re so lazy” instead of “Hey, can you help with the dishes?” I realized I do this more than I thought. My wife told me that I am always careless, and I did not realize I made her feel that way. I should have talked to her nicely, like asking her what exactly I did wrong.
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Defensiveness:This is when you deflect blame and don’t take responsibility. It’s like saying “It’s not my fault” all the time. When my wife criticized me for always being careless, I kept finding excuses for myself. I thought I was the victim, which was really wrong.
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Contempt:This is when you’re just plain mean and disrespectful. Think eye-rolling, sarcasm, and name-calling. This one hit me hard. I didn’t do those, but when my wife shut down, I was really angry. I felt like she didn’t care about my feelings, and I started to think maybe she just didn’t love me anymore. It was a terrible feeling.
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Stonewalling:This is when you just shut down and refuse to engage. It’s like putting up a wall between you and your partner. My wife did this last night. She just stopped talking to me, and it drove me crazy. I felt so alone. I thought she might be angry, sad, or disappointed, but I did not really know what she was thinking.
After reading the article and thinking about these things, I knew I had to do something. So, I went to my wife and apologized. I told her about what I learned and how I realized I was doing some of those “horsemen” things. She was surprised but also relieved, I think.
We talked for a long time, and it wasn’t easy. We both had to admit our faults and really listen to each other. It was like cleaning out a wound – painful but necessary. We decided to work on our communication. It’s not going to be easy, but we both agreed that our marriage is worth fighting for.
What I Learned
It’s not just about what you say but how you say it. Words can hurt, and they can also heal. We’re going to try to be more mindful of how we talk to each other, especially when we’re upset. The article suggested finding a therapist to help us better communicate, and we are thinking about that. We need to learn some new skills. It’s like we’ve been driving with a flat tire, and we need to learn how to fix it before we can go any further.
This whole experience was a wake-up call. I love my wife, and I don’t want to lose her because of some stupid communication habits. I want to be a better husband, and I know she wants to be a better wife. We’re in this together, and we’re going to figure it out.
