Alright so last Tuesday I finally said screw it, let’s try this tanning bed thing. Always hated looking like a ghost in summer pics, ya know? But lemme tell you, almost burned myself to a crisp on day one. Real smooth.
The Big Mistake Starting Out
Walked into that place feeling cocky. Grabbed the cheapest package they had – 3 sessions a week. Lady at the desk eyeballed my pasty arms like “you sure?” Should’ve listened.
First session steps I took:
- Dove straight into Level 4 bed (“bronze booster” or some crap)
- Zero lotion because “I got this”
- Set timer for FULL 12 minutes cause I’m impatient
- Just wore those dorky paper undies they give you
Got outta there smelling like hot plastic. Two hours later? Fire engine red. Like seriously, stopped at Walgreens for aloe vera while hissing every time the AC hit my shoulders in the car.
Adjusting Like a Dummy
Thursday rolls around and I’m still pink. But hey, I paid for this torture! Went back anyway. This time:
- Dropped down to Level 2 like a scaredy-cat
- Slapped on that free sample lotion smelling like fake coconuts
- Cut timer to 8 minutes
- Wore my OWN underwear cause paper ones suck
Felt less like Satan’s griddle afterwards. Still stung when I showered though. Big mistake – forgot to cover my face! Woke up Friday with raccoon eyes cause the goggles left white circles. Sexy.
The One Week “After”
After three sessions? Honestly? Patchy as hell. Chest is kinda tan, legs still look like milk, back has weird strap marks where the bed lights didn’t hit right. And my nose? Peelin’ like a dang banana.
What Actually Works:
- START SLOW. Level 1 or 2 MAX your first time. No shame.
- MOISTURIZE BEFORE & AFTER like your life depends on it. Thick aloe stuff.
- 5-6 mins MAX first few times. Seriously.
- Cover your face COMPLETELY with a towel. Those goggles ain’t enough.
- Flip halfway if your bed doesn’t rotate you automatically.
Would I do it again? Maybe. But next time I ain’t rushing it. Slow burns beat looking like a half-cooked lobster any day. Lesson learned.
