Why I Dug Into Controlling Behavior
Last Tuesday got me thinking when my buddy Dave showed up at our BBQ looking like a zombie. Told us his girlfriend freaked out because he didn’t screenshot his Uber ride home from work. Started remembering how my ex would go ballistic if I didn’t answer texts within 3 minutes. Figured I’d dig into what counts as controlling behavior.
My Research Process
First I grabbed my dusty laptop and searched “relationship control tactics”. Ended up on psychology sites reading case studies till 2AM. Took notes in my broken bullet journal:
- Watched documentaries showing how isolation starts slow (like “don’t hang with Mike, he’s bad influence”)
- Interviewed three friends who’d left toxic relationships – got real messy details about money control and guilt trips
- Wrote down my own ex’s patterns: constant location sharing demands, criticizing my family, “joking” about my appearance
Red Flags I Validated
After cross-checking sources, here’s what actually holds up:
- The isolation playbook – they hate your friends/family bit by bit
- Financial leash – controlling accounts or making you beg for money
- Digital stalking – insisting on passwords or tracking apps
- Guilt explosions when you set basic boundaries
Mistakes I Caught Myself Making
During this whole process, I realized I’d messed up too:
- Excusing early signs as “they just care a lot”
- Downplaying gut feelings when their “jokes” felt like gut punches
- Secret phone habits like hiding notifications so they wouldn’t get mad
- Apologizing for normal stuff – like grabbing drinks with coworkers
How I’m Applying This Now
Started practicing boundary drills with my current partner. Simple stuff like saying “I’ll text back when I’m free” instead of jumping when phone buzzes. Noticed when I felt guilty saying no to unreasonable requests – that’s my cue to hold firm. Biggest win? When she unexpectedly dropped by my place unannounced last week, I actually said “Hey, call first next time” without panicking. Felt scary but damn powerful.
