You know, for the longest time, I really bought into that whole idea. The one that says if it’s the right person, the relationship will just… click. Smooth sailing, you know? Like those movies where everything magically falls into place. I figured if you had to work at it, really grind, then maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Seemed logical to my younger self.
I remember this one specific experience, years back. I started seeing someone, and at first, man, it was easy. We laughed at the same dumb stuff, liked the same bands, pretty much finished each other’s sentences. I was sitting there thinking, ‘This is it! This is how it’s supposed to feel!’ I was pretty pleased with myself, thought I’d figured it all out.
Then, well, real life decided to show up. Not the movie version. We hit a rough patch. We started having different ideas about some pretty big things, like where we saw ourselves in a few years. And just like that, it wasn’t easy anymore. Conversations got a bit… sticky. We found ourselves tiptoeing around certain topics. And my immediate thought was, ‘Uh oh, this isn’t easy. Maybe this isn’t the right thing after all.’
My big plan back then? Keep things light. Try to force that ‘easy’ feeling back. So, I’d dodge the tough talks. I’d change the subject. Suggest we just watch a movie instead. Because in my head, ‘easy’ meant absolutely no conflict, no hard conversations. I was totally convinced that actually working through messy stuff was a sign of failure, not just, you know, part of being with another human.
And guess what happened? It got worse. A lot worse. All those little things we didn’t talk about just started to fester. They ballooned into these unspoken resentments. The ‘easy’ I was desperately trying to maintain just became this fake, thin layer over a pile of problems. It was like trying to fix a deep cut with a tiny cartoon bandage. Pretty useless, really.
That relationship, predictably, didn’t make it. And for a good while after, I was even more mixed up. If ‘easy’ was the dream, and trying to keep it easy just blew everything up, then what was I supposed to do? Did it mean relationships were just doomed to be hard all the time? That sounded awful, frankly.
It wasn’t until much, much later, after a bit more living and a few more bumps and bruises, that things started to click in a different way. I realized I was looking at ‘easy’ completely wrong. It wasn’t about the absence of problems – that’s just a fairytale.
What I slowly started to understand was that ‘easy’ isn’t about never hitting a storm. It’s more about how you handle the boat when you do. Is it ‘easy’ to communicate, even when the topic is super uncomfortable? Is there an ‘ease’ in trying to genuinely get where the other person is coming from, even if you don’t agree? Is it ‘easy’ to say sorry, and to accept an apology?
That kind of ‘easy’ still takes effort. Sometimes a ton of effort. But it’s a different flavor of effort. It’s not the effort of pretending. It’s the effort of being honest, the effort of being a bit vulnerable, and the effort of just showing up for each other, especially when things are tough. And when both people are putting in that kind of work, the relationship itself, even with its inevitable challenges, starts to feel… well, not ‘easy’ like a stroll in the park with no breeze. It’s more like having good hiking boots, a decent map for a tricky trail, and a partner who’s willing to figure out the path with you.
So yeah, I’ve pretty much given up chasing that old idea of ‘easy.’ Now, I look for a different kind of ease: the ease of being yourself, the ease of feeling heard, and the ease of knowing you’re in it together, even when the road gets a bit rough. And that, for me, has made all the difference.
