Okay, so I gotta share this thing about young lesbian love. Came back from this community potluck last weekend, been stewing on it ever since. Saw a bunch of baby gays kinda fumbling around each other, reminded me so much of my own hot mess days. Gotta pass on what some wise older dykes drilled into my skull after I nearly torched everything good.
The Absolute Trainwreck Phase
Started when I was 21, madly infatuated with this girl from my Queer Lit class. Total U-Haul move, right? Jumped straight into living together after, like, three weeks. Huge mistake number one. Wasn’t even about love yet, y’know? Was mostly terrified she’d find someone cooler than me. So I smothered her. Texts every hour, jealous rants if she had coffee with a friend… the whole clingy nightmare. Thought possessiveness meant passion. Spoiler: it means you’re exhausting.
Smacking Into Reality (& Sage Old Dykes)
Crashed hard six months in. Came home to packed bags and her looking dead tired. Said she couldn’t breathe. Devastated, obviously. Moped at the community center for weeks till Marion – this butch lady in her 60s who’s seen it all – cornered me. Didn’t coddle. Just said, “Kid, you’re pouring concrete on a seedling. Stop drowning it.” Harsh? Yeah. Needed? Hell yes. She dropped some brutal truths:
- Mistake 1: Using your girl as an emotional trash can? Stop it. Your anxiety isn’t her job to fix. Get a damn therapist. I signed up that week.
- Mistake 2: Trying to merge into one person? Kill that noise. “Codependent ain’t cute,” Marion barked. Real love needs air, separate hobbies, space to miss each other.
- Mistake 3: Romanticizing chaos. Fighting passionately isn’t healthy! Those blowout fights? Just bad communication skills.
Actually Trying to Not Suck
Humbled my ass quick. Started forcing myself to do stuff solo – joined a hiking group without my next girlfriend. Weird at first, felt guilty. But then? Had actual stories to tell her that weren’t just work drama. Practiced shutting up sometimes. Like, literally bit my tongue when she went out without me. Realized trust isn’t passive – it’s a muscle you flex daily.
Biggest shift? Learning to argue like an adult. Instead of screaming matches, we’d literally pause, go to separate rooms for 20 mins to cool off. Came back saying, “Okay, when you did X, I felt Y…” Felt cheesy as hell initially. Saved our relationship twice.
Now? Not Perfect, But Functional
Been with my partner Jay for five years now. Do we still mess up? Absolutely. But ain’t nobody packing bags. Seeing those young women at the potluck clutching each other like life rafts? Wanted to shake ’em gently. Told one, “Breathe. Let her miss you.” Saw her blink like a confused owl. Hope it sticks.
The core lesson I carry daily? Real love ain’t about losing yourself. It’s about choosing someone, every damn day, without swallowing them whole. Older dykes saved me years of heartache. Passing the torch now.
