Well, let me tell you, ain’t nobody told me nothin’ ’bout this kinda thing when I was young. We just did what we did, ya know? But these days, they got all these things, these… condoms. And they say you gotta use ’em on a, uh, a stiff one. A, you know, an erect penis. So, here’s the lowdown, just like they told me.
Gettin’ it Ready
First off, you gotta have one of them condoms. They come in little packs, like them little ketchup packets. And they say you gotta use a new one every time. Every single time! Can you believe it? Wasteful, I say, but that’s what they say. They even say you gotta check the date on them, like milk. Make sure you get the right size. Too big, it’ll fall off. Too small, well, it might just bust.
And this erect penis, it’s gotta be, you know, ready to go. Like a flagpole. Hard as a rock, that’s what they tell me. Don’t even try puttin’ one of them condoms on if it ain’t ready. Won’t work, they say.
Puttin’ it On
Now comes the tricky part. You gotta tear open that little packet, but be careful. Don’t use your teeth! You might rip the darn thing. They say to use your fingers, gentle like. And don’t use your fingernails. Those things are sharp!
- Tear the pack open real careful.
- Don’t use your teeth or your sharp fingernails.
- Make sure that thing, that erect penis, is, well, you know. Stiff.
Then, you gotta hold the tip of that condom. They got this little, like, a bubble at the end. You gotta pinch that. Pinch it tight! That’s where the, uh, stuff goes. You don’t want that stuff just, you know, willy-nilly all over the place.
Then, with that erect penis standin’ tall, you gotta put that condom on the very tip. Right on the head of it. Like puttin’ a hat on a, well, on a head.
Rollin’ it Down
This part is a real doozy. While you’re still pinch in’ that little bubble at the top, you gotta roll that condom down. All the way down that erect penis. Like pullin’ down your socks, only, you know, different. If you got that extra skin, you gotta pull that back first. Some fellas got it, some don’t. But if you do, pull it back before you start rollin’.
- Pinch that little bubble at the top of the condom.
- Put the condom on the tip of the erect penis.
- Roll it all the way down, like you’re pullin’ down a sock.
Some folks, they say to put a little bit of that slippery stuff inside the tip of the condom. Makes things slide better, they say. But make sure it’s the right kind of slippery stuff. Not just anything will do. They got special kinds, just for this.
After You’re Done
Once you’re done with your business, you gotta hold onto that condom at the base, at the bottom of that erect penis, and pull it out. Careful now! Don’t want no spills. Then you gotta take that condom off, still holdin’ onto it so nothin’ comes out. Tie a knot in it, like you’re tyin’ up a garbage bag, and throw it in the trash. Don’t flush it down the toilet! It’ll clog it up good.
If you put that condom on wrong, it might break. Or it might slip off. Then you got a mess on your hands. So you gotta do it right. Every time. It’s a whole thing, I tell ya. Back in my day, we didn’t have all this. But these days, they say it’s important. Keeps things clean, they say. And stops you from gettin’ the little ones, if you ain’t ready for ’em.
Why All the Fuss?
Now, why go through all this trouble, you might ask? Well, they say these condoms, they stop all sorts of things. Not just the babies, but other things too. Nasty things you don’t want. So, even though it’s a pain in the backside, it’s better to be safe than sorry, that’s what they say. It is the key to putting condom on erect penis.
And that’s about all there is to it. Putting condom on erect penis ain’t rocket science, but it ain’t exactly easy either. Just remember to be careful, take your time, and use a new one every time. That’s what they tell me, anyway. And they say it’s important, so I guess we gotta listen.
It is very important to do this. Otherwise, you will have big trouble. You need to remember to do this every time you play with your husband. I hope you guys understand.
