How I Accidentally Became a Dick Detective
So last Thursday I’m scrolling Twitter while taking a dump, and this ad pops up screaming “AVERAGE PENIS SIZE REVEALED!” with some guy flexing like a Greek god. Thought to myself – man, I wonder where I stand. Grabbed my dusty measuring tape from the toolbox later that night.
Stood buck naked in my bathroom mirror feeling awkward as hell. Pressed that tape hard against my pubic bone like those medical journals say to do. Held my breath – boom: 3.75 inches hard. Round that up to 4 even. My heart sank straight into the toilet bowl.
Next day I couldn’t focus. Started digging through every bullshit study online:
- Found one saying global average was 5.1 inches
- Another screaming 6+ inches
- Even saw porn site “stats” claiming 7 inches is standard
Felt like absolute crap. Went down a Reddit rabbit hole til 3am reading “small dick problems” threads. Saw dudes ranting about partners laughing at them, relationships collapsing. Panic kicked in hard.
Then I remembered – my ex and I broke up because she cheated, not my dick. Texted two honest FWB girls: “Be brutal – is 4 inches too small?” Both sent laughing emojis followed by “WTF no, who told you that?” One actually said: “Small dicks hit better spots anyway”. Blew my damn mind.
Dug deeper into actual research – not porn garbage. Found studies where scientists measured thousands of guys:
- Majority were between 4-5 inches when hard
- Less than 3% actually hit 6+ inches
- Women consistently rank girth over length in surveys
Porn lied to us all. Camera angles, petite actresses, dudes blessed by genetics – it’s all visual trickery. Still felt skeptical though.
Decided to conduct my own dumb experiment. Cut a cardboard tube to exactly 4 inches. Showed it to my buddy Dave during poker night. His reaction: “Dude, that’s bigger than mine.” Mind. Blown.
Real talk – what matters in bed:
- Knowing where the clit is
- Not jackhammering like a moron
- Actually caring if she comes
- Confidence (not cockiness)
Truth bomb: my biggest problem wasn’t my dick – it was believing my dick was the problem. Stopped obsessing over tape measures and started paying attention to feedback instead. World of difference.
Now I sleep better. Still 4 inches. Still getting laid. Life’s too damn short to worry about numbers that don’t matter.
