Alright folks, let’s get real about something I spent way too much time practicing this month. Thought I’d share the messy, funny, and kinda enlightening journey trying those “5 Proven Techniques” to improve, well, the Face Sex Position. Yeah, that one.
Where It All Started
Honestly? Saw some ridiculous reel claiming these moves could make things “mind-blowing.” Figured it couldn’t be that hard. Spoiler: It totally was. My first attempt involved my partner, two pillows, and zero coordination. We ended up tangled like pretzels, laughing so hard it killed the mood completely. Felt like we were wrestling, not… you know.
The Actual Process (aka The Comedy of Errors)
Grabbed the recommended 5 Techniques and decided to just power through ’em one weekend. Here’s how that garbage fire played out:
- Technique 1: The “Alignment Booster.” Supposed to use a yoga block under the hips. Sounds easy. Reality? We knocked the block flying halfway through. Partner yelled “MY SPINE!” Not a great start.
- Technique 2: The “Endurance Hack.” Involved some weird neck stretches beforehand. Spent 10 minutes cracking my neck like an action movie hero. Only result? Felt slightly ridiculous.
- Technique 3: The “Comfort Creator.” Fluffed six pillows into a “nest.” Sounded cozy. Ended up buried under a mountain of fluff. Could barely breathe, let alone anything else.
- Technique 4: The “Grip Game-Changer.” Special grips? Tried grabbing the edge of the mattress. Mattress slid. Partner slid. I faceplanted into a pillow. Gravity 1, Us 0.
- Technique 5: The “Rhythm Resetter.” “Synchronized breathing.” Yeah right. Ended up hyperventilating and giggling. Partner wheezed, “Stop… snorting…”
What Actually Worked (Surprise!)
After the pillow fortress collapsed for the third time, we ditched the list. Forgot the ‘proven techniques’ entirely. Just talked. What felt awkward? Where was the leg cramp coming from? Turns out, angling the pillow UNDER my lower back, not his hips, made all the difference. Who knew? Realized communication and trial/error beat some random internet list every damn time.
The Big Takeaway
Look, maybe those techniques work if you’re made of rubber and own a professional wrestling mat. For actual humans? It’s chaos. The real “proven technique”? Just talking through the awkwardness. Laughing when gravity betrays you. Adjusting in the moment. Forget trying to replicate some influencer’s perfect pose – find what works for YOUR bodies and space. Mine still involves strategically placed pillows and apologizing when someone gets kneed. Progress, not perfection.
