My Totally Awkward Pickup Line Experiment
Alright folks, so I promised a wild ride today – me actually trying pickup lines. Yes, seriously. Inspired by… something online (probably bad coffee), I thought “Why not? Worst case, I crawl into a hole forever.” Let’s just say, I now know every hole within a 5-mile radius.
First things first, I needed targets. I mean, volunteers. Went to my usual coffee spot downtown, ordered my “thinking juice” (double espresso, black), and scoped the place. Barista’s busy. Guy glued to his laptop. Woman reading… okay, focus. Target acquired. Deep breath.
Here’s how phase one bombed:
- Approach #1: Sat near Reader Lady. Cleared throat like I had TB. Dropped my line like a hot potato: “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber!” She looked up, blinked slowly like an owl that swallowed a dumb mouse, then went back to her book. My face went tomato red. Finished coffee in two gulps.
- Approach #2: Laptop Guy took a phone call outside. Seemed approachable! I followed. He hangs up. I blurt, “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” His face? Pure confusion mixed with “Is this guy dangerous?” He mumbled “Uh… no thanks” and practically sprinted back to his laptop. Another soul scarred.
Needed a reset. Wandered into a bookstore nearby. Safer ground, right? Found someone browsing travel guides. Okay. New plan: try sounding sincere, not scripted. Big leap for me.
- Approach #3: Pointed at a guidebook (Italy, gorgeous cover). “Hey, serious question. If you had a day to explore ANYWHERE… where’s top of your list?” Success? Not really. She smiled politely, said “Probably Japan,” then moved to cookbooks. Progress? At least no terror.
- Approach #4: Saw someone laughing at a funny memoir cover. My moment. “That book any good? You’re smiling way more than anyone else in this place.” Got a genuine chuckle! “Yeah, it’s hilarious!” We actually chatted about the author for a minute. No phone number, but actual human interaction!
Feeling slightly brave (or just caffeinated), hit up a small park later.
- Approach #5: Someone feeding pigeons. Simple is key? “Excuse me… besides those pigeons, what’s your favorite thing to feed?” Raised eyebrow, then a grin. “Uh… myself chocolate?” We laughed! Turns out she hates pigeons too. Talked about junk food for a solid five minutes. Exchanged IG handles? Okay, partial win.
What Actually Sorta Worked? (For Me Anyway)
After this total cringe fest, here’s the deal:
- Ditch the Cheeseball Scripts: My “cute-cumber” deserves jail time. Anything sounding like a bad movie? Run away.
- Observe First, Shoot Mouth Later: Commenting on something they’re already doing (book, laughing) actually worked.
- Keep it Super Simple & Light: Asking about a book or pigeons? Weirdly easier than declaring my fabricated love.
- Own the Awkward: After bombing #2, I just shook my head laughing at myself out loud. Next time felt less heavy.
- Practice NOT Closing: Goal wasn’t numbers. Talking for 2 minutes without fleeing = win.
So yeah. Would I do it again? Probably, because apparently I hate myself. But seriously? It’s way less scary if you drop the “tricks” and aim for tiny bits of human connection. Mostly, I learned I’m really bad at this… and weirdly okay with that. Coffee helped.
