Okay, let me tell you how I used that “How We Love” book with my partner last weekend. Honestly? We were stuck in this stupid loop where tiny things blew up into big fights. Saw this book recommendation online about attachment styles and thought, “Might as well try it before I chuck it out the window.”
Step 1: Actually Finding the Damn Thing
First hurdle – getting the book itself. Couldn’t find my physical copy after moving, so I downloaded the ebook version. Took longer than expected ’cause the cat decided my keyboard was a bed. Finally got it loaded on both our tablets.
Step 2: The Awkward “Homework” Phase
Next evening, we sat on the couch like two kids forced to eat veggies. Started with the attachment style quiz – took maybe 20 minutes. Turns out I’m a classic “Vacillator” (always feel insecure about affection) and my partner’s a “Pleaser” (avoids conflict like the plague). We both went, “Oh, that’s why you’re like that!” at the same time. Awkward chuckles followed.
Step 3: Trying the Weird Exercises
Book had these cringey “Imago Dialogue” scripts. Felt like reading bad theater lines at first. One went like:
“When you ______, I feel ______.”
We took turns doing it over dishes Tuesday night. Partner said, “When you leave coffee cups everywhere, I feel like a maid.” Normally I’d snap back, but the book’s rules made me mirror: “So you feel unappreciated when I leave messes?” And boom – they actually nodded instead of storming off.
The Disaster Moment
Thursday almost wrecked it. Book said to schedule “connection time.” I planned a fancy dinner, but they came home exhausted. Instantly felt rejected (Vacillator brain kicked in). Almost bottled it up, but remembered the damn book formula. Gritted my teeth and said, “I’m feeling bummed ’cause I wanted us to connect, but maybe we could just order pizza instead?” Shockingly worked. Ate cold pizza in pajamas laughing at bad TV.
What Finally Clicked
By Sunday, two big things stuck:
- When my partner says “I’m fine” but looks tense? Now I ask: “Does ‘fine’ mean ‘slightly annoyed’ or ‘disappointed but hiding it’?” (Pleaser tendencies decoded).
- Instead of picking fights when stressed, I say: “My attachment gremlin’s yelling – I need 10 minutes alone.” Stops the spiral.
Did It Fix Everything?
Hell no. Last night I forgot trash day again, and yes – eye-rolls happened. But here’s the change: they sighed and said, “Old me would’ve just taken the bins out silently. Now I’m annoyed, but can we laugh about your trash-blindness later?” We actually high-fived over not imploding. The book’s like training wheels – feels shaky as hell, but we’re not face-planting daily anymore.
