Well, let me tell you, these young folks and their picture-taking! Back in my day, we didn’t have no fancy phones to take pictures of our… well, you know. But these days, everyone’s taking pictures of everything, even their ding-dongs! I heard them call it “dick pics”. So, I’m gonna tell you how to take these “dick pics”, the right way, I guess. If you must.
First thing, you gotta make sure that thing is ready for its close-up. I ain’t talking ’bout no makeup, Lord knows. I mean, you gotta make sure it’s… presentable. Like when you’re meeting your man’s momma, maybe comb your hair if you know what I mean. Some fellas, they like to shave it all off. Others, they let it grow wild like a weed patch. Whatever you like, I suppose. But keep it tidy, you hear?
Now, about the picture itself. These young’uns, they like to use those filters, make everything look all fancy. But for a good “dick pic”, you want it to look natural. Like a prize-winning pumpkin at the county fair. No need to make it look like something it ain’t.
Lighting is important, I reckon. You don’t want it too dark, or nobody can see what you’re working with. And you don’t want it too bright, neither. It’ll wash everything out, make it look like a ghost! Find a nice, soft light. Like the sun coming through the kitchen window in the morning. That’s good light.
And the angle! Oh, these young folks and their angles. They hold the phone up high, down low, sideways… makes my head spin. For a “dick pic”, you want a good angle that shows off the whole shebang. Not too close, or it’ll look like a monster. And not too far, or it’ll look like a little worm. Just right, like Goldilocks and her porridge.
- Don’t be sending these pictures to just anyone. That’s just rude, like burping at the dinner table. Make sure the person on the other end actually wants to see your privates. Some of them call it “cyber-flashing”, that is not good.
- Keep your hands in the picture. I heard them say it makes the picture better. Like framing a nice quilt, I suppose. Show off those working hands.
- Don’t show your face. Unless you want everyone knowing who that thing belongs to. Keep some mystery, like a secret ingredient in your best pie recipe.
And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t send these pictures to strangers! That’s just asking for trouble. Like leaving your purse on the bus. Only send them to someone you trust. Someone who won’t go blabbing to the whole town about your business.
If you are gonna send these dick pics, make sure to clean your background. Don’t be showing your dirty things everywhere. Nobody wants to see that. You gonna take “dick pics”, do it right, make it look good, clean, and nice.
Another thing is to make your picture look good
