Getting Randomly Cornered at Coffee Shop
Was minding my own damn business sipping matcha latte when this dude slides into my booth uninvited. Leaned real close & whispered “Hey man…you queer? What the hell? Sure?” Spilled my drink all over keyboard. Fuckin weird vibe.
First Try SUCKED Bad
Panicked & blurted out “Um…maybe? I mean…not really…depends?” Dude looked confused as hell. Worst part? My voice cracked like puberty hit again. Practiced in bathroom mirror after:
- Attempt 1: “Why? You hitting on me?” (Too aggressive)
- Attempt 2: “That’s private?” (Sounded like scared rabbit)
- Attempt 3: Pretended to choke on air (Just pathetic)
The Practice Breakthrough
Decided my laptop background needed work too. Slapped on huge rainbow wallpaper – subtle like sledgehammer. Went bar-hopping pretending to be customer service rep. Scripted responses:
1. Took deep breath
2. Straightened posture
3. Made dead eye contact
4. Said slow & clear: “Why d’you ask?”
Field Test Results
Tried it at grocery store when cashier stared at my pride pin. Dropped apples everywhere when she asked THE question. Remembered training:
✔️ Didn’t smile nervously
✔️ Kept my expression flat
✔️ Paused 3 seconds (felt like eternity)
✔️ Boom: “Why d’you ask?”
She just shrugged & scanned my oatmeal. Felt like goddamn victory. Later realized my fly was open the whole time.
What Finally Works
- No explanations
- No justifying
- 100% stoneface delivery
- Always throw it back at ’em
Bonus discovery: People BACK OFF when you silently stare after asking. Watch ’em fumble like Sims characters glitching. Still occasionally panic-say “I like turtles!” when startled though. Progress not perfection.
