Alright, let’s talk about couples who walk into my office for premarital counseling and they’re already living together. Happens all the time now. My process isn’t some textbook thing, it’s just what I’ve found works through doing it over and over.
First off, I acknowledge it straight up. No point beating around the bush. I usually say something like, “Okay, so you guys are already doing the day-to-day living thing together. Good, gives us real stuff to talk about.” It kind of normalizes it right away, takes any awkwardness out, and lets them know I’m grounded in reality, not some old-fashioned ideal.
Then, my immediate next step is figuring out the ‘why now?’. I ask them directly, “You’re already sharing a roof, maybe bills, definitely the bathroom sink space. What made you decide now is the time for premarital counseling specifically? What’s the trigger?” Their answer tells me a ton. Are they hitting snags they didn’t expect? Are families putting on pressure? Or are they genuinely trying to be intentional before making the legal leap? It sets the stage for what we really need to focus on.
Getting into the Nitty-Gritty of Cohabitation
This is where I roll up my sleeves. Since they’re living together, we don’t have to guess about hypothetical situations as much. We have live data! I start asking very practical questions, not just the fluffy stuff. Things like:
- “Okay, be honest. Who really ends up doing most of the cleaning? How do you decide?”
- “Money. Let’s talk specifics. Joint account? Separate? Who pays the rent? What happens when one person wants to buy something big?”
- “How do you handle disagreements right now? Like, when you had that argument last Tuesday, what actually happened? Who slept where?”
- “Alone time. You live together, how do you make sure you each get space without hurting feelings?”
- “What about family? How do your families view you living together? Does that cause any tension?”
I push them to give me real examples from their actual life together. It’s less about ‘what would you do if…’ and more about ‘what did you do when…’
Bridging the Gap: Living Together vs. Being Married
A big chunk of my work here is tackling the assumption that marriage won’t change much because they already live together. This is a common blind spot. I make them really think about the shift. I’ll ask things like:
- “What do you honestly believe will be different the day after the wedding versus the day before?”
- “What does the word ‘marriage’ mean to each of you, beyond just living together?”
- “How do you think the legal commitment might change how you approach problems or disagreements?”
- “Are there expectations from family or society about ‘being married’ that might kick in, even if you don’t feel different?”
We unpack the symbolic weight, the legal implications, the potential shift in how they view their commitment, even if the day-to-day routine looks similar.
Keeping the Spark, Avoiding Roommate Syndrome
Sometimes, living together beforehand can make the relationship feel… well, comfortable. Maybe too comfortable. The dating aspect can fade. So, I often bring this up. “It’s easy to become great roommates but forget to be partners and lovers. How are you actively ‘dating’ each other right now, even though you share a home?” We might brainstorm practical ways to keep the romance alive, to be intentional about connection beyond just sharing chores and TV time.
Wrapping It Up: The Real Foundation
Ultimately, my process circles back to helping them build a solid foundation. Living together gives them a head start in understanding each other’s daily habits and quirks. My job is to help them use that existing knowledge, address the rough spots they’ve already discovered, and be super clear about what marriage means to them specifically. We look at their current dynamic and I ask them point-blank: “Is this shared life, exactly as it is now, the foundation you want for the long haul? If not, what needs tweaking before you sign that certificate?”
So yeah, it’s hands-on. It’s using their current living situation as a real-life workshop. We dig into the present to prepare for the future they want to build together. It’s less theory, more looking at the actual nuts and bolts of their shared life.
