My Disaster Trying Thanksgiving Pickup Lines
So last night I’m staring at my phone scratching my head. Thanksgiving’s coming up right? Figured I should try being smooth for once. Typed “thanksgiving pickup lines” into Google like an idiot. Boom – a million dumb lists pop up. Grabbed my notebook like Sherlock Holmes solving a case. Spoiler: I ain’t no Sherlock.
Phase 1: The Cringe Collection
Started scribbling down every cheesy line I saw:
- “Are you a turkey? Because I’d love to stuff you.”
- “Is your name Cranberry Sauce? Because you make everything better.”
- “If you were a Thanksgiving pie, what kind would you be? Sweet potato… cause you look sweet.”
My hand actually cramped up copying this garbage. Coffee’s cold now. Great.
Phase 2: Live Testing (RIP My Dignity)
Tried these bad boys on my wife while she’s cooking. Cleared my throat all dramatic:
- Me: “Baby… are you a Thanksgiving turkey? Cause I wanna-
- Her: Drops potato peeler “Finish that sentence and you sleep with the dog.”
Okay scratch that one. Tried the cranberry sauce line. She just sighed louder than the oven fan. Sweet potato pie attempt? Got flicked with flour. 0 for 3. Notebook page looking real sad.
Phase 3: Desperate Measures
Texted my buddy Mike for backup. He sends back:
- “Wanna roll over in the morning like leftover mashed potatoes?”
- “I’d be thankful if you were my leftovers.”
Absolute gold! Tried the mashed potatoes line when my wife brought me coffee. She squinted at me like I grew a second head. “You feel okay? Feverish?” Then laughed her head off when I showed Mike’s texts. Dog actually barked at us. Mission failed.
The Cold Turkey Conclusion
Ended up eating stuffing alone at the kitchen counter that night. Those 20 “great examples”? Pure fiction. Unless you wanna get laughed at or concern-checked. Final score: Thanksgiving 5 – Me 0. At least the dog wagged his tail at my mashed potatoes joke. Might use that on him next year.
