Alright, let’s talk about this whole “bettering myself in a relationship” thing. It’s not like you wake up one day and boom, you’re perfect. For me, it was a messy, bumpy road. I used to think relationships were kinda like… they either clicked or they didn’t. Turns out, a huge chunk of “making it click” was actually on me and the work I was willing to put into myself.
My Old Ways – A Bit of a Disaster, Honestly
Looking back, I was pretty clueless. My main strategy? Probably avoidance and hoping things would magically fix themselves. If there was a problem, I’d clam up. Or worse, I’d get defensive. Communication? More like a series of monologues where I’d state my case and then wonder why the other person didn’t just agree.
I remember one relationship in particular. We’d argue about the smallest things. And every time, I’d walk away feeling like I was the one who was misunderstood, that my needs weren’t being met. It never really occurred to me to dig deep into what I was bringing to the table, or, more accurately, what I wasn’t bringing.
- I wasn’t a great listener. I’d be nodding, but mostly I was just waiting for my turn to talk, to prove my point.
- My expectations were all over the place. I had this unspoken checklist of what a partner should be, do, say. Super unfair, I know that now.
- Taking responsibility? Nope. It was always easier to see the flaws in the other person.
It all came to a head after a pretty rough breakup. That one really knocked the wind out of me. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, blaming the other person, the situation, the stars, whatever. But eventually, after a lot of moping, a little thought started to creep in: “Hang on, I’m the common denominator in these failed relationships.” That was a tough pill to swallow.
The Slow, Awkward Process of Trying to Change
So, I didn’t exactly sign up for a course or read a mountain of self-help books right away. It was more like I started to observe. I paid attention to people in healthier relationships. What were they doing that I wasn’t?
The first thing I consciously tried to work on was listening. And I mean really listening. I started by literally telling myself to shut up. When my partner would talk, I’d make an effort to just hear them out, without planning my rebuttal. It felt incredibly unnatural at first. I’d catch myself formulating arguments in my head, and I’d have to consciously stop. It was like exercising a muscle I didn’t know I had.
Then, I tackled expectations. This was a big one. I realized I was holding people to standards I wasn’t even meeting myself. So, I started to ask myself, “What am I actually contributing here?” instead of “What am I getting?” I tried to focus on appreciating what was there, rather than what was missing according to my imaginary rulebook.
Communicating my own needs was another hurdle. Instead of expecting my partner to be a mind-reader, I started to, very awkwardly at first, try and say what I felt or needed. Stuff like, “Hey, when X happens, it makes me feel Y.” Sounds simple, but for someone who used to just get moody and expect the other person to figure it out, it was revolutionary. It didn’t always come out right. Sometimes I’d still sound accusatory, or I’d bottle it up too long. But I kept trying.
I also had to learn to be okay with being vulnerable. To admit I was wrong. To say sorry and mean it. That was huge. My ego fought me every step of the way. I used to think being right was more important than being happy or connected. Slowly, very slowly, that started to shift.
Where I’m At Now – Still a Work in Progress
Look, I’m not some relationship guru now. Far from it. I still mess up. I still have moments where my old habits try to sneak back in. But the difference is, now I’m usually quicker to recognize it. I’m more willing to do the internal work, to reflect, and to try and make it right.
What I learned is that bettering myself for a relationship is actually just bettering myself, period. The skills you learn – like better communication, empathy, self-awareness – they help you in all areas of your life, not just with a romantic partner. It’s an ongoing process. Some days are easier than others. But just deciding to be conscious about how I show up, and being willing to put in the effort, that’s made all the difference. It wasn’t about finding the “right person” so much as it was about trying to be a better version of myself.
