Alright, let’s talk about this selfishness thing in relationships. Took me a while to even see it in myself, honestly. For years, I thought I was being pretty reasonable, you know? But things weren’t always smooth, and looking back, yeah, I was definitely putting myself first way too often without even realizing it.
Figuring Out I Was the Problem
It wasn’t like a sudden lightning bolt. It was more like a slow realization. Maybe after a few too many arguments that seemed to go in circles, or noticing my partner seemed a bit withdrawn sometimes. I started thinking, maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t really listening. I was hearing, sure, but mostly just waiting for my turn to talk, to make my point, to get what I wanted.
I remember one specific time we were deciding on a vacation. I had my heart set on this one place, kept pushing for it. Didn’t really stop to properly consider what my partner wanted, just brushed off their suggestions. We ended up going where I wanted, but it felt… off. The vibe wasn’t right. That’s when it kinda hit me – winning the argument didn’t actually feel like winning if the other person wasn’t happy too.
Starting to Actually Change Stuff
So, I decided I had to actively do something. It wasn’t just about thinking I should be less selfish, it was about changing my actions. Here’s kinda what I focused on, step-by-step:
- Shutting Up and Listening: This was harder than it sounds. I made a real effort to just listen when my partner was talking. Not planning my response, not interrupting. Just absorbing what they were saying. Sometimes I’d even try to repeat back what I thought they meant, just to make sure I got it right. Sounds simple, but it changed the tone of our conversations.
- Thinking ‘What About Them?’: Before making decisions, even small ones like what to watch on TV or where to get takeout, I started pausing. I’d ask myself, “What would they prefer?” Or, even better, I’d just ask them directly and actually consider their answer.
- Practicing the Compromise Muscle: I had to learn that it’s okay not to get my way all the time. Sometimes, letting go of my preference for the sake of harmony, or just because it mattered more to them, was the better move. It felt weird at first, like I was ‘losing’, but that feeling faded. It started feeling more like teamwork.
- Saying Thank You More: Started making a point to notice and appreciate the little things my partner did. Didn’t have to be grand gestures. Just acknowledging effort. “Hey, thanks for grabbing the milk,” or “I appreciate you doing the dishes.” It sounds basic, but it makes a difference. People like feeling seen.
- Trying On Their Shoes: When disagreements came up, I tried to genuinely put myself in their position. Why were they upset? What did this situation look like from their side? It helped me understand their reactions weren’t just random, they came from their own perspective and feelings.
Where I’m At Now
Look, I’m not perfect. I still slip up sometimes. Being less selfish isn’t like flipping a switch, it’s an ongoing practice. Some days I’m better at it than others. But overall? Things are way better. There’s more understanding, fewer pointless arguments, and generally, things just feel more balanced and connected.
It took conscious effort, and it still does. It meant swallowing my pride sometimes and focusing on ‘us’ instead of just ‘me’. But yeah, putting in that work? Totally worth it. The relationship feels stronger, and honestly, I feel better too. It’s nice when you feel like you’re genuinely on the same team.
