Okay, so I’ve been digging into this thing called Gottman’s Four Horsemen. Sounds dramatic, right? Well, it kinda is. It’s all about these four communication styles that can really mess up a relationship. I thought I’d give it a try and see how these “horsemen” show up in my own life and what I could do about it.
So, first off, I had to figure out what these horsemen actually are. Turns out they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism is basically attacking your partner’s character, like saying “You’re so lazy” instead of “I’m feeling frustrated that the dishes aren’t done.” Contempt is worse, it’s like, being straight-up mean and disrespectful, name-calling, eye-rolling, all that nasty stuff. Defensiveness is when you get all, well, defensive, and don’t take responsibility for your part. And stonewalling is just shutting down and not engaging at all.
Once I had that down, I started paying attention to how I communicate, especially with my partner, but also with friends and family. Man, it was eye-opening. I realized I could be pretty critical sometimes, without even meaning to be. I also noticed how easy it was to slip into defensiveness when I felt attacked.
- First day: I was tired and my partner suggested I help out with a chore. My immediate reaction was to snap back with something. I was totally defensive, but I caught myself, and tried to explain I was tired.
- Few days later: We got into a little tiff about something silly. I felt my blood pressure rising and noticed I started to criticize. I took a deep breath and tried to rephrase my complaint in a non-critical way.
- One week in: It was so hard not to roll my eyes when my partner was late. I felt myself go down the contempt road, so I reminded myself that they are human and maybe had a good reason.
Then came the hard part – trying to change these habits. Gottman has these “antidotes” for each horseman. For criticism, it’s using a “gentle start-up,” which basically means talking about your feelings using “I” statements instead of blaming the other person. For contempt, it’s building a culture of appreciation and respect. For defensiveness, it’s taking responsibility, even if it’s just for part of the problem. And for stonewalling, it’s learning to self-soothe and take a break when things get too heated, instead of just shutting down.
It’s definitely a work in progress. I’m not perfect, and I still slip up sometimes. But I can honestly say that trying to be more aware of these communication patterns has made a difference. It’s like, I’m more mindful of how I’m coming across, and I’m making an effort to be kinder and more understanding.
I even tried this “taking a break” thing the other day. We were arguing about something, and I could feel myself getting really worked up. Instead of yelling or shutting down, I just said, “Hey, I need a few minutes to cool down. Let’s talk about this later.” And you know what? It actually helped. We came back to the conversation later, and it was much more productive.
So yeah, this whole Four Horsemen thing, it’s not just some academic concept. It’s real stuff that affects real relationships. And from my little experiment, I can say it’s worth paying attention to. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about trying to be better, and that can make all the difference.
